Tony the Tiger on top: cereal mascots ranked in order of f**kability

EVERY self-respecting cereal has a cartoon mascot and you’re horny in the morning. Here’s the order in which you’d do them: 


Of the Snap, Crackle, Pop triumvirate, Crackle is clearly the bottom. The Richard Hammond of the group in double denim with a flaccid, sinister beanie, it’s clear that he’s a regular on incel subreddits. 90 per cent chance he’d go off in his pants.

Klondike Pete

Like all 19th century gold prospectors, the bearded face of Golden Nuggets would have atrocious genital hygiene. His nether regions are a swampy catastrophe of mud and Nugget crumbs. Also, were you to end up getting off with this freak, he’d definitely let his donkey watch.

Professor Weeto

Professor Weeto is a troubled individual. A man who’s dedicated his professional career to studying small, sort-of-chocolate-flavoured cereal hoops isn’t going to be a sexual whirlwind. When you’re in bed, he’ll admit that he’s never actually known the touch of a human lover before bursting into tears.

Tony the Tiger

An anthropomorphised tiger who survives entirely on highly-sugared cereal? This buzzed-up nutter will go at you with the frenzied intensity of a pre-diabetic steam train. Unless you catch him during one of his many blood-sugar crashes and the best he can muster is perfunctory hand stuff.

The Honey Monster

When wet he’d stink like a damp dog, and the probability of catching public lice from this depraved furball is high. But as a shag carpet with genitals he’ll provide you with the most comfortable post-coital spooning experiences of your life.

Quaker Oats Man

An obligatory entrant, given that he’s the most human and therefore the least problematic f**k here. And, like Catholic girls, all the moral repression of his strict religion and staid cereal will burst out in a flood of passion. Shouting about what a blasphemous, tempting whore you are, he’ll give you a seeing to you’ll never forget. God, if only he was real.

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Fintech, and other new words you don't understand and it's too late to ask

YOU only learned what ‘goblin mode’ is when pensioners did, and now everyone’s swapping new terminology and you’re nodding like a dickhead at these: 


You saw it, you assumed it had something to do with fish, you moved on. But now your brother-in-law’s got a job in it, and you’re in a cold sweat because you’re going to have to appreciate how impressive it is that he’s blockchained the cloud with AI learning.


You overheard your kids using it and made the error of asking ‘What’s wrong with being a simp? Surely it’s just a sympathetic person?’ Now every time you smile at your wife your son accuses you of ‘simping’ over her, and you can’t deny it because you have no f**king clue what you’d be denying.


It took a while before you realised that you already knew this one from when you did Chaucer at A-level in 1996. But how did cuckolding become so commonplace that it needed shortening? And how does a random bloke on the internet know you’ve been suspicious of your wife and her mate Tony for a while?


A word that’s yet to come up in your marriage, you get the principle of ‘poly’ – you’ve heard of Mormons – but a large group of sexually involved people living happily together is a folly of the young that you want nothing to do with. It’ll all end in seven-way acrimony like your student house.


Used as a verb, as in yeeting, but then everything gets f**king verbed nowadays. Kids are always saying ‘I’m going to Wednesday Addams that dancefloor’ and expecting you to know what it means. They usually seem to be yeeting things they dislike. But if you say ‘I’m yeeting this dog’ they’ll laugh at you.


And now everyone’s saying things are ‘mid’. Christmas was apparently ‘mid’, as was the Taylor Swift album, a recent night out you weren’t invited on, and a cheese-and-ham toastie from the work canteen. All those things are great, so ‘mid’ must be a superlative. Later on you describe yourself as ‘mid in bed’. It will be brought up for the rest of the year.