EVERY self-respecting cereal has a cartoon mascot and you’re horny in the morning. Here’s the order in which you’d do them:
Of the Snap, Crackle, Pop triumvirate, Crackle is clearly the bottom. The Richard Hammond of the group in double denim with a flaccid, sinister beanie, it’s clear that he’s a regular on incel subreddits. 90 per cent chance he’d go off in his pants.
Like all 19th century gold prospectors, the bearded face of Golden Nuggets would have atrocious genital hygiene. His nether regions are a swampy catastrophe of mud and Nugget crumbs. Also, were you to end up getting off with this freak, he’d definitely let his donkey watch.
Professor Weeto is a troubled individual. A man who’s dedicated his professional career to studying small, sort-of-chocolate-flavoured cereal hoops isn’t going to be a sexual whirlwind. When you’re in bed, he’ll admit that he’s never actually known the touch of a human lover before bursting into tears.
Tony the Tiger
An anthropomorphised tiger who survives entirely on highly-sugared cereal? This buzzed-up nutter will go at you with the frenzied intensity of a pre-diabetic steam train. Unless you catch him during one of his many blood-sugar crashes and the best he can muster is perfunctory hand stuff.
The Honey Monster
When wet he’d stink like a damp dog, and the probability of catching public lice from this depraved furball is high. But as a shag carpet with genitals he’ll provide you with the most comfortable post-coital spooning experiences of your life.
Quaker Oats Man
An obligatory entrant, given that he’s the most human and therefore the least problematic f**k here. And, like Catholic girls, all the moral repression of his strict religion and staid cereal will burst out in a flood of passion. Shouting about what a blasphemous, tempting whore you are, he’ll give you a seeing to you’ll never forget. God, if only he was real.