Man cruising through Eat And Drink Whatever The F**k I Want January

A MAN is sailing through January because he has decided to eat and drink whatever takes his fancy, it has emerged. 

Oliver O’Connor is not slogging through a desert of January abstinence because he is following a strict diet of proper sausage rolls and at least three pints a day.

He said: “I’d given a diet of senseless gorging a trial run over Christmas and it suited me really well, so it made sense to continue in January. After that we’ll see how it goes.

“For breakfast I have a bacon buttie with extra bacon, lunch is usually a family-size bag of Doritos with a Lucozade, and dinner’s a takeaway or a full carvery roast if I fancy going out. I wash that down with ale or cider, then finish with a bong hit.

“I’ve told friends about my regime and they love the sound of it, so it could be the next big thing. This time next year everyone will be giving it a go. It’s amazing for your mental health.

Temporarily teetotal vegan friend Nikki Hollis said: “Wayne’s diet is appealing, but it’ll kill him in a matter of decades. While I get to endure a miserable life of self-restraint for far, far longer.”

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Taliban had no idea British Army was killing them until Harry's book

THE Taliban have confirmed they never suspected that the British Army was deliberately killing them until Prince Harry’s book Spare. 

The fundamentalist Islamic regime, which resumed ruling Afghanistan the minute Britain left, had charitably assumed that the deaths of more than 50,000 of its fighters were the kind of mishap that takes place during war.

But when Taliban leader Anas Haqqani was perusing his Daily Mail, he realised that the Duke of Sussex had been not just shooting missiles from a helicopter gunship as warning but deliberately to harm.

He continued: “Well the cat’s out of the bag now, isn’t it? And to think we had such faith in the good intentions of the British we wrote all those deaths off as accidents.

“We’d shoot at you, you’d shoot at us, it was all in good fun or so we thought. Until Harry’s shocking admission that puts the entire 20-year conflict in a new light.

“25 of our men murdered. And what if it wasn’t just him? What if it wasn’t just a rogue Prince chalking up kills to juice up his memoir? What if the whole Army was killing us on purpose?

“No. No, I can’t believe that. The rest of them are decent people. It was just that backstabbing bastard Harry.”