Monday, 3rd August 2020

Unbearable arsehole claims her child doesn't like sugar

AN obnoxious middle-class mother has asserted that her five-year-old has never had sugar and would not like it if he did.

Carolyn Ryan claimed: “Archie’s never had sugar, unless you count the yummy date-and-beetroot puree I made him the other day. He doesn’t know what sugar is! After all, his body doesn’t need it.

“I just give him a carrot stick or a sprig of parsley as a treat. He loves his parsley, don’t you, Archie?

“Of course, he can’t go to the other kids’ birthday parties. I’m pretty sure he would look on in pity as they stuffed themselves silly with haribo and fondant fancies.

“If someone gave Archie sweets, he wouldn’t know what to do with them. All those bright colours and strange flavours? He would instinctively know they were bad.”

Archie’s grandmother Helen Archer said: “Whenever Archie comes to me I make sure his giant bag of Tangfastics is right there on the high chair, so he can watch them fizz in his little beaker of full-fat Coke.”