Vegans don't talk about it all the time when it's just them

A NEW study of veganism has discovered that adherents of plant-based diets do not discuss them when restricted to only other vegans for company.

Vegans, who are renowned for being able to turn conversation on subjects ranging from The Traitors to air mattresses to the Nicene Creed into conversations about veganism, are markedly less keen to discuss veganism when everyone is one.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After the deafening initial 45 seconds it took for all parties to tell each other they were vegans, conversation really dipped.

“A couple haltingly continued outlining the tenets and benefits of veganism until their interlocutors said ‘Yeah I know thanks, I’m vegan’ and it all ground to a halt.

“They tried to discuss normal things, using a list of topics we’d written on a whiteboard to help them along, but two minutes into a chat about the Lake District one said ‘Of course factory farming is worse then genocide,’ and they rushed to agree then lapsed into silence.

“After an hour a few had managed basic chats about their jobs, marital situations and hobbies, as you would with a foreign penfriend, but they weren’t happy. You could see it wasn’t what they want to talk about.”

He added: “Two hours in, one muttered ‘Does anyone else miss cheese?’ Nobody replied.”

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Success! This man has made it to 40 without having any real responsibilities 

A MAN who recently hit 40 has somehow managed to do so without taking on anything that could be considered a responsibility.

Stephen Malley is celebrating reaching his fifth decade without having to deal with annoying hassles like a wife, kids, mortgage or a stressful job he hates.

Malley said: “I didn’t start out meaning to not have any responsibility, but the more I’ve seen my friends take on, the less fun it looks.

“I work in a pub three streets from where I live. I get my parents to drop me off, which is easy as I still live with them. Not moving out has saved me a fortune and, no disrespect, but they’ll be dead soon which means I’ll have a three-bed semi all to myself.

“I spend my free time, which I have loads of, doing whatever I please with the added benefit of not being too skint, tired or busy to enjoy it. It’s brilliant.”

Best friend Tom Logan said: “Stephen’s basically like a big kid. He wastes all his money on clothes, video games and booze. Yes, he has no stress but his life has zero meaning. Seriously, if he died tomorrow, nobody would really miss him. The lucky bastard.”