Couple with massive Edwardian house claim being cold all the time is part of its 'character'

A COUPLE claim that having to wear a bobble hat indoors all day is a desirable feature of their draughty old house.

Emma and Nathan Muir say their home has character and therefore it is worth being f**king freezing and spending a fortune on heating which produces no discernible change in the temperature.

Emma Muir said: “Having viewed the property during a heatwave, we did not consider that winter would involve huddling round the fireplace like Victorian urchins, rather than posting smug Instagram photos of our high ceilings.

“Yes, I do have to leave my clothes in a pile by the bed and then get dressed under the duvet. But I get to look up at some original cornicing while I do it. And that’s what really counts, isn’t it? Not the actual liveability of a home.

“I think I’m getting rheumatism, but the permanent discomfort is a small price to pay for the original stained glass in our front door, even if a gale-force wind is howling through the gaps in the old wood.

“Some friends of ours have just bought a properly insulated new build house with triple glazing, and am I jealous? Well, yes, actually, I am.

“But don’t tell Nathan, because I’m the one who insisted that living in this creaky old ice box would make us happy.”

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The Post Office, and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating

EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.

The Post Office

Old slogan: Helping you get life’s important things done

New slogan: Helping you get 18 months for fraud

British Gas

Old slogan: Looking after your world

New slogan: Looking after our shareholders

TransPennine Express

Old slogan: A vision to take the North further

New slogan: Going South swiftly

E.On Energy

Old slogan: Creating a better tomorrow

New slogan: Creating more food banks and bailiffs

Heathrow Airport

Old slogan: Making every journey better

New slogan: Making every journey indescribably worse

Southern Water

Old slogan: Water for life

New slogan: Raw sewage for swimming in

National Rail

Old slogan: Nothing beats being there

New slogan: Honestly, it’s probably easier getting the bus


Old slogan: We connect the world

New slogan: £23bn profits, and we couldn’t have done it without you


Old slogan: We connect for good

New slogan: We connect sometimes, when the broadband isn’t down


Old slogan: Delivery made for you

New slogan: Delivery? Nah, we kicked it over the neighbour’s hedge


Old slogan: Tomorrow begins today

New slogan: At least we f**ked Farage over. We’re still turning down your overdraft request though