Will Mellor, and other bafflingly undeserving prime time TV careers

DESPITE apparently having minimal talent, some TV stars have mysteriously been appearing on our screens for decades. Like these:

Will Mellor

Not hard enough to be Danny Dyer or attractive enough to be Idris Elba, Will Mellor is basically an anonymous-looking bloke who has played the everyman so often you could mistake him for your local handyman. He started in Hollyoaks, was in Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps for what felt like about 40 years and now is fresh in everyone’s mind from Mr Bates vs The Post Office. You’ll have forgotten about him again by next week though.

Vanessa Feltz

After The Vanessa Show was mercifully cancelled in 1999 we should have been done with Vanessa Feltz forever. She had other ideas, however, and reinvented herself as a reality TV star, appearing in Celebrity Big Brother, Ultimate Big Brother, Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Wife Swap, Strictly Come Dancing and Hell’s Kitchen. She’ll basically do anything for exposure, which is presumably why she’s still happy to appear on ITV’s rapidly sinking daytime flagship show This Morning.

Bradley Walsh

If you asked AI to come up with a generically cheesy Saturday night gameshow host, it would very quickly produce Bradley Walsh. He has no discernible personality, but that hasn’t stopped him presenting multiple TV shows, starring in panto and playing Pa Larkin in ITV’s appalling The Darling Buds of May spin-off The Larkins. He’s even got his son in on the act and you’ll be seeing them both presenting the rebooted Gladiators this weekend. Lucky you.

Amanda Holden

After acting in some forgettable 90s TV shows, Amanda Holden’s fame was secured by marrying Les Dennis and then jettisoning the relationship by having an affair with Neil Morrissey five years later. For some reason she was then made a judge on Britain’s Got Talent in 2007, which has beamed her blandly into our living rooms ever since. What she lacks in charm she makes up for in ubiquity, so don’t expect to stop seeing her on telly any time soon.

Stephen Mulhern

People of a certain age will have had the misfortune of being annoyed by Mulhern since he started on CITV in the early noughties. Everyone else is most likely to have caught his sub-Roy Walker schtick on Catchphrase while flicking through the channels during a skive from work, or stepping into Noel Edmond’s tiny shoes on Deal or No Deal. He’s destined to languish in the doldrums of light entertainment forever, so you’ll still be switching over whenever you see him in the year 2050.

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Nerd should be happy everyone's into his superhero shit but isn't

AN uppity dork who likes comics is annoyed his hobby has become popular after big-budget adaptations made superheroes interesting.

Julian Cook has always proudly despised mainstream cultural consumers for their lack of interest in his geeky enthusiasms and resents their newfound interest in his favourite characters.

Cook said: “They just haven’t put in the hours. Find me one person who’s actually read Tom King’s Rorschach miniseries since seeing Watchmen. And how could you ever know how many batcaves Bruce Wayne owns from a two-hour film on Amazon Prime?

“I haven’t spent years cross-referencing Marvel’s Bronze Age comics with the relevant films just for some pleb to think they’re clever spotting glaringly obvious Stan Lee cameos. Or start caring about Black Widow’s pre-Avengers backstory after drooling over Scarlett Johansson in leather.

“Even my visits to Forbidden Planet have been ruined, overrun with kids buying Funko Pops and parents saying a full Spider-Man villains collection is a waste of money. It isn’t, by the way, but I’m more bothered that the cashier wasn’t aware there are 22 different types of Kryptonite.

“This hype will surely stop with Aquaman 2. Simply because it’s so rubbish that everyone will lose interest.”