Anything near a train station is f**king horrible

ANY bar, pub, coffee shop, sandwich shop or ordinary shop within 200 metres of a station is far more horrible than its distant counterparts.

No matter what the establishment, its location near a train station automatically downgrades it to at least two levels below its equivalent elsewhere, and in the case of major London stations as many as five.

Retail expert Helen Archer said: “You head to the station early. Your mate agrees to stay for one. You drink a miserable pint by lone travellers with wheeled cases and wish you hadn’t.

“Or you have a quick coffee only to realise in a single sip it was brewed in a cistern by a clever dog and you’ve lost the tastebuds on that side for life. And your table was last cleared in August ’22.

“Or you’re facing a 95-minute journey to Crewe so you buy a sandwich that turns out, by Milton Keynes, to be made of shit. Or you go the most miserable shop you’ve visited in years and pay £5.40 for Monster Munch and a Panda Pop.

“Even the supermarkets are horrible and grimy. Even the pub across the road has the feel of death’s waiting room. The very proximity of transport covers every experience, physically and spiritually, in a thin, uncleansable film of grime.

“It probably isn’t true of tiny little rural stations in places called Scrumpington-over-Willow. But they’ve closed all those down.”

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It's mainly listening to bitching, therapists confirm

THERAPISTS have admitted that counselling is little more than being paid loads to listen to people slag off friends and family behind their backs.

Although it sounds worthy and admirable, therapists have revealed that their job boils down to being a sounding board for bitching for an hour then watching a massive sum of money land in their bank account.

Therapist Susan Traherne said: “We try to tart up what we do with fancy words like ‘intergenerational trauma’ and ‘inner child’ but there’s no escaping the blunt truth. We just listen to you bitch.

“Every day, from nine to five, that’s all it is. Sad acts come slouching in, spill their guts about their dad or their boss, while we patiently nod and try to look like we care.

“Occasionally we’ll pipe up with some bollocks like ‘I’m hearing a lot of shame’ but that’s just so clients don’t think we’ve zoned out. We’re careful not to offer practical advice because then people might get fixed and never come back.

“If you’ve ever listened to your mate bitch about their ex, or a colleague who got the promotion they wanted, you could be a therapist. It’s really that easy. Print off some fake certificates for your office wall and you’re good to go.”

Tom Booker from Preston said: “I work in HR, it’s pretty much the same thing.”