Random man in club excellent addition to friend group

A MAN who sidled up to a group of friends and started dancing at them is now an indispensable and valued member of the group. 

Socially dysfunctional weirdo Jordan Gardner discovered his new friends in Koncept nightclub in Croydon, and realised that them dancing and talking in a tight circle was a clear invitation to join them.

Gardner said: “There was instant chemistry between me, Ryan, Hannah, Oliver, James and Lucy, who welcomed me into the group with friendly stares. 

“For me, the highlight of the night was probably dancing with Lucy, who kept laughing and turning away in mock embarrassment. It was great to be let in on their little in-jokes so quickly. Or should I say, our little in-jokes?

“I like Lucy a lot, but it’s Hannah I really connected with. Could romance be in the air? I’ll let you know when we have a conversation either of us can hear.

“We all had a great time, like when I demanded their phone numbers, then insisted that I watched while they awkwardly saved mine into their phones. I’ll cherish that memory for years to come.” 

New friend Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s great to have Jordan as part of the gang. He shouted something incomprehensible in my ear, so he’s clearly a great guy I’m going to have a lot in common with.”

Hannah Tomlinson added: “I didn’t speak to Jordan and know nothing about him, so we’ll probably get married. I can’t wait to be Mrs Hannah whatever-his-surname-is.”

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School uniform bought in September no longer f**king fits

FOUR months of teenage growth and Christmas overindulgence have turned a child into a weird, fast-growing freak, his mother has reported.

When 14-year-old Jack Browne put on his school uniform for the new term after Christmas his mother Sarah was alarmed at what she had given birth to.

Sarah said: “I know he’s going through a growth stage and eaten more than his fill of shite over Christmas, but he’s bursting out of his uniform that was new in September, the mutant.

“I bought it all at the last minute so it would last until the end of the year. But his shirt buttons are about to pop, his blazer’s so tight it’s giving him a hunchback and he looks like he’s wearing Rishi Sunak’s trousers. If he breathes in too quickly he’ll shred the lot, like a pasty, wobbly-voiced Hulk.

“I took a lovely photo of him at the start of the year in his pristine uniform against the only door in the house that’s not damaged. I can’t do that now, he looks like something out of World War Z.

“I suppose it’s just his hormones taking advantage of the abundance of energy provided by the mountains of chocolate and cheese he’s guzzled. Plus he’s not actually moved for three weeks, apart from his gaming thumbs, obviously.

“There’s nothing I can do about it today. He looks like a wanker but he’ll have to go in as he is. Still, they do say girls like guys who make them laugh.”