Nachos not a meal

A PLATE of triangular crisps covered in cheese and jalapenos does not constitute a full and satisfying meal, it has been confirmed.

Diners are in agreement that nachos do not contain enough nutritional value to be truly classed as an actual meal, so restaurants should stop including them in the mains section on their menus.

Nathan Muir from Bristol said: “Listing them under starters and sharers is fair enough. Anywhere beyond that is taking the piss.

“Even if they’re loaded with mince, doused in salsa and come with a dollop of guacamole on the side, there’s not enough substance to them. And yet somehow chefs can get away with charging upwards of 15 quid for the luxury. That should be illegal. And I do mean a custodial sentence.”

Eleanor Shaw from Weston-super-Mare said: “You can never get a full and satisfying bite with nachos, which means they firmly belong in the snack category. That’s just science.

“I had nachos for lunch once and was left feeling more hungry than before I ate them. It was like my stomach was looking up at me and asking ‘Where’s the rest?’ I reckon it’s some sort of Mexican April Fool’s prank and us dumb gringos don’t get it.

“Plus the jalapenos burn your bum on the way out. Avoid.”

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Kids preferred it when dad cooked that one time

A MUM was furious to learn her kids preferred the unhealthy concoctions her husband came up with to her lovingly prepared meals when she was away for two days. 

After a short work trip, mum-of-three Kelly Howard questioned her children about daddy’s cooking skills, only for them to inform her he had become a culinary genius in her absence. 

Howard said: “They loved Martin’s disgusting meals, which included dinosaur nuggets in blankets, sweet and sour fish fingers, and oven chips tossed in gravy granules. Not a single fresh vegetable was eaten by man or child. 

“Then they admitted they wished I’d go away more often so daddy could do all the cooking. They’re a bunch of bloody bastard little traitors and I hope they’ve got dangerously high cholesterol.”

However Martin Howard dismissed the idea that he would be cooking regularly, having exhausted his chef’s creativity after two days of looking in the freezer.

He said: “Much as I enjoy lording it over Kelly, I think it’s best she does all the cooking. I’m fresh out of ideas and it’s also quite boring. No wonder we have lasagne three times a week.”

Kelly added: “I hope the bastard’s pleased with himself. There’s no way I’m getting the kids to eat broccoli risotto now. I think for dinner we’ll have potato smileys with Dairylea slices. All the fight has gone out of me.”