IT’S hard to underestimate the impact of telling people you’re a big swinging dick who sends messages from an iPhone. Here’s what impressed recipients think, in their own words.
Rob Kendall, Uttoxeter: ‘People with iPhones are successful, witty and always in demand by women. That’s the sort of guy I want to be friends with. Friends who have sex sometimes.’
Esha Khatri, Woking: ‘iPhone users are just so popular! It can be exhausting going out with one because people are constantly wanting to talk to them or shake their hand. You will go out with them though, because they’ve got a brilliant 12 megapixel camera.’
Nikki Hollis, Basingstoke: ‘The words ‘Sent from my iPhone’ instantly make me wet and uncontrollably sluttish. I just want to have unprotected sex with that person there and then, irrespective of age, weight or looks. And all my friends are the same, especially the ones who look like models.’
Tom Logan, Widnes: ‘An iPhone says alpha male, leader of men, apex predator. You can bet they’re dead hard and never lose a fight. That’s why so many of them moonlight for the SAS.’
Jacob Harman, Stockwell: ‘I really respect anyone whose phone has a decent battery life, and that’s iPhone 14 users to a tee. I wish I could be like them, but I don’t see how that could ever be possible.’
Fergus McCrory, Airdrie: ‘iPhone users have a better moral compass than ordinary people. They donate more than they can really afford to Amnesty and give homeless people the money for a hostel. If you see someone tenderly nursing an injured bird back to health, they’ve probably got an iPhone X.’
Annabelle Usher, Richmond: ‘iPhone users lead a life of boardroom meetings, private jets and unimaginable luxury. They’re like Christian Grey without the fisting, although I could live with that if they’ve got an iPhone.’
Dr Simon Hawkins, Cambridge: ‘iPhone users are invariably intellectuals. With their intimate knowledge of art, culture and philosophy what they say often goes over my head, but I still like to meet them because just being in their presence raises your IQ by 40 points.’
Rachel Cavendish-Jones, Edinburgh: ‘People will hate me for saying this, but I only date guys who can give me a certain lifestyle. If a man’s so rich he’s got 200 quid to spend on a reconditioned iPhone 11, then it’s non-stop blowjobs until I get a wedding ring.’
Charlotte Phelps, Crewe: ‘iPhone users have reached a higher plane of existence and are transcendent beings of light. Obviously the reverse is true of people with Samsung Galaxys and Sony Xperias. They are human effluent and should be exterminated with extreme prejudice.’
