Waitress listening to woman's allergies muttering 'Jesus' under her breath

A WAITRESS listening to a woman describing a huge list of allergies was reported to be muttering “Jesus” under her breath. 

Donna Sheridan listened to customer Emma Bradford rattle off a list of more than 17 different food allergies, all which could surely not be real.

Sheridan said: “I was totally understanding of the first one – a nut allergy, sure. They’re pretty serious. Same with shellfish, although we don’t actually serve that. 

“But then the list just kept going and going. Gluten intolerance, wheat intolerance – but aren’t they the same thing? And can you really be allergic to soup?

“Then she started going on about how she was allergic to latex. Luckily we don’t cover our cutlery in condoms to protect it before serving, so that’s not going to be an issue. 

“It was like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat when he sings about all the colours in his coat. We get it – it’s a colourful coat. Stop going on about it.”

Bradford said: “I’ve diagnosed myself with many genuine allergies with the help of the internet. I hope she wasn’t wearing perfume. I’m allergic to that.”

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'Posing up a storm' and other expressions for twats

ARE you keen to look like a massive twat for some reason? Simply use these incredibly irksome contemporary phrases in everyday life.

‘Posing up a storm’

Normally used by the Daily Mail when perving over micro-celebs, eg. “Love Island’s Sophie posed up a storm in a bikini that left NOTHING to the imagination…’ Try it yourself with Facebook photos: “Gran posed up a storm in her swimsuit at Norwich leisure centre!’

‘Gotten’ 

Popular among Britons who want to imply they’re a bit American and trendy. They may also refer to Autumn as ‘Fall’. Strangely they never use Americanisms that make them sound like morons, eg. “I gone got me a sandwich for lunch, yes sir.”

‘Whip-smart’

Frequently used by TV critics to heap excessive praise on something. Example: “With its realistic depiction of espionage and whip-smart dialogue by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Killing Eve is simply the greatest achievement in human history.”

‘Playing 4-D chess’

Shorthand for doing something incredibly clever. Except it’s now such a modern cliche only journalists and twats use it. Dominic Cummings undoubtedly believes he is playing 4-D chess.

‘Balls to the wall’

Originally a military aviation term, this is now only used in the dullest of business contexts by middle-management types: “When the order for 12 extra boxes of all-weather duct tape came in, Gavin and I had our balls to the wall.”

‘Do not front with me’

A way of saying ‘Do not adopt a false persona’, which would actually sound intelligent and be taken seriously. Already destined for the language graveyard containing ‘standard’, ‘well wicked’ and Duncan Norvelle’s ‘Chase me!’.