EVER think you would end up rubbing every item of shopping you buy with antibacterial spray? No? What other bizarre habits are now normal?
Washing the shopping
Washing boxes of fish fingers used to be the kind of behaviour that Channel 5 enjoyed making lurid documentaries about. But now we’re all obsessive-compulsive clean freaks who think nothing of rinsing a packet of crumpets under the tap.
Wearing protective equipment to Sainsbury’s
Remember the days when the most you needed to pop to the shops was a jacket? Now a face mask and gloves are necessities, which must also be classed as essential because popping out for a bag of crisps could cause untold deaths.
Clapping on your doorstep
In the ‘before’ time, standing on your doorstep applauding the heroism of the Morrisons delivery driver would be looked upon with either derision or concern. Now the miseries who don’t are the ones who are judged.
Worrying the police will stop you for walking
Walking along, rehearsing stories about how it’s the only time you’ve been out that day officer in case you’re stopped, paranoid about being caught by police… all a ridiculous fantasy of a fascist state mere months ago. Unless you’re an ethnic minority, in which case same old same old.
Being obsessed with flour
Two months ago, the only bag of flour in the cupboard was a year old and full of mites and nobody cared. Now you rush to the baking aisle in Tesc, ignoring the one-way rules to get a precious kilo of super fine ’00’ grade. ‘This is real pure,’ you say, as you snort a pinch from the end of your knife.