Watery bit of ketchup put there to spite you

THE watery bit in the top of every bottle of tomato ketchup is put there just to spite you, it has been confirmed.

While all brands use a different recipe, all of them deliberately add up to 5ml of brackish liquid solely to piss you off.

Roy Hobbs of the Association of Ketchup Producers said: “We sent a man to the moon, do you not think we could make tomato sauce without the little bit of water in?

“We put it there out of malice, and malice alone. All you have to do to avoid it is shake the bottle, but you can’t be bothered, can you? Ketchup water punishes the idle and the wicked.

“Also it makes us laugh whenever we think about the watery bit coming out with a farty sound just as you’re about to eat.”

Ketchup lover Tom Booker said: “That explains a lot. Damn, forgot to fucking shake it again and now there’s a little pool of stinky tomato water on my scrambled eggs.”

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Five ways to escape from Center Parcs

DO you find yourself imprisoned in a family holiday at Center Parcs every year? Here are some tried-and-tested escape methods.

Mysteriously vanish from the rapids

One of the only places you’ll ever find yourself alone is the Wild Water Rapids. Clamber out and flee through the forest until you emerge half naked and wild-eyed onto an A-road to scare some passing motorists.

Steal a bike and jump the fence

Just like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, except you’ll be on a junior mountain bike and the Nazis who ultimately foil your brave attempt will be some equally sinister Center Parcs staff.

Get rushed to hospital

The pool area is constantly rammed with kids, making it easy to either catch some hideous disease or drown a bit before the lifeguard notices. Insist on an ambulance and make your way to freedom.

Go full Shawshank

Steal a spoon from the mediocre restaurant when no one is looking and start digging at night. It will take a full 19 years to tunnel out but it will be worth it to never suffer the Crazy Bingo Game again.

Start a fire

Apart from the swimming pool, pretty much everything at Center Parcs is made of wood. An ‘innocent’ tiny bonfire could easily rage out of control, allowing you and other inmates to legitimately leg it.