What are you eating food off because you can't be ars*d washing up?

YOU’VE run out of plates and there’s no way you’re tackling the mountain of washing-up, so you’ll have to improvise. Try these: 

The chopping board

It’s fine for food prep, so logically it’s also fine for eating off. They’d serve your food on this in a gastropub and you’d photograph it and put it on Instagram. Counts as classy dining, as does eating off a roof slate.

An ironing board

It’s not just a plate, it’s a table too. Wipe-clean, portable, and if food gets too cold then simply power up the iron and give it a quick extra steam.

The lid of a pizza box

In this era of recycling and sustainability, failing to use a perfectly clean, workable surface like the outer lid of the box from the pizza you had delivered because there weren’t any clean plates yesterday is a crime. Greta Thunberg would definitely do it.

The glass plate from the microwave

It’s an actual plate! And despite it not having been cleaned in four years – no, six – it can’t have any bacteria on because it’s microwaved daily. This is genius, until tomorrow when you need to make McCain Quick Chips.

A laptop

Your life revolves around it anyway so as a break from sitting with it open watching YouTube, enjoy the variety of closing the lid and eating Birds Eye Crispy Pancakes off the top. If you think you’re better than this, wash up.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man starts podcast to follow passion of wasting everyone's time

A MAN has started a podcast to focus on his passion for wasting other people’s time.

Nathan Muir’s podcast will include topics such as medieval history, Indonesian food and mixed martial arts, but will be ‘pretty flexible’ as long as it is ‘essentially pointless’.

Muir revealed the podcast will be ‘mostly chilled out conversations, with a splash of serious talk’, adding: “But I really just want people to underestimate the value of their time.”

Muir, who describes himself as ‘an artist and a humanist first and foremost’, said: “It’s also going to be really good if you’re trying to multitask and keep rewinding it because you weren’t paying attention.”

The podcast already has an average of seven listeners per week and Muir is planning to generate revenue by getting paid to stop doing it.