What is 'matcha' and why does it need to f*ck off?

MATCHA is a putrid green powder that is inexplicably used in a range of foodstuffs including ice cream and macarons.

Opinion is divided as to whether it’s freeze-dried devil bogies or ground-up trainer insoles.

It’s from Japan so marketing ars*holes just assume that everyone thinks it’s cool.

It fits the current food trend of being absolutely revolting because it’s good for you.

It’s a bit ‘mum colouring football birthday cake’, but at least food colouring tastes of nothing.

Matcha has the downside of tasting of matcha.

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Couple excited to finally go on holiday that will ruin their relationship

A COUPLE have unveiled plans for the long-awaited holiday which will inevitably put an end to their three year long relationship.

Tom Logan and Jane Thomson have been planning their trip to Italy for months, apparently hoping that the constant tension and disagreements will bring them closer together.

Thomson who will get angry at Logan because of his restaurant choice, said: “I can’t wait for our romantic evenings in the streets of Rome, holding hands while planning our future together.”

Logan, who will be constantly too tired for sex, said: “I can’t wait to see what the bedrooms have to offer, am I right?”

The couple, who have a maximum of three months left together have been warming up by fighting over whether or not they should spend their Air Miles.