What the f**k to cook when your vegan daughter comes home for the weekend

YOUR daughter started uni last year and immediately became a tiresome vegan. Here’s how to feed her when she pops home for the weekend – while still guzzling meat like a wolf yourself.


Move the pepperoni off a third of it, or just give her the same as you and make her pick the processed meat off. Your house, your rules. You could get one with proper vegan cheese, but don’t bother. Even vegans don’t touch that shit.

Vegetable stir fry

Probably your safest bet. Add chicken or beef and pick it out of her portion later. A sachet of oyster sauce is the perfect accompaniment because you’re sure it doesn’t contain actual oysters. It was only 50p and you’d have noticed great big oysters like in a Bond film.


Might take a bit of persuasion, but the egg was unfertilised and it’s not going to hatch after being whisked. Add vegetables to distract from the fact she’s eating something which fell out of a filthy chicken’s fanny. Come to think of it, that’s disgusting. You’ve gone off eggs yourself now.

Roast dinner without the meat

There’s shitloads of veg in a Sunday roast. Combined with stuffing and Yorkshire pud that should help her survive her pernickety new food fad. Keep a tub of vegetarian gravy granules on display in the kitchen and she’ll hopefully put two and two together and you can serve her meat gravy instead of the hassle of making two lots.

Linda McCartney sausages

Veggies rave about these congealed sawdust tubes. When cooking these freakish abominations, be sure to use a separate pan from your own sausages. Not to eliminate the risk of cross-contamination, just to avoid accidentally eating one of the f**kers yourself.

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How are you celebrating Extricating Boris From The Shit Day?

AFTER months stuck at home watching Boris Johnson’s popularity plummet, we’re finally free to celebrate the blatant distraction which is ‘Freedom Day’. So what are you doing?

Organising a street party 

Freedom Day is a joyful British occasion up there with the sinking of the Belgrano, so get out the bunting and sausage rolls. It’s a double celebration, really – you’ve got your freedom back and that smirking, sociopathic bastard Johnson is off the hook for a bit. 

Treating yourself to a luxurious lateral flow test

You might find it hard to afford Covid tests from now on, but treat yourself today. In fact it might be a good idea now millions of morons are infecting each other thinking a mindless microbe has somehow been ‘defeated’.

Buying Freedom Day memorabilia 

You’ll want a souvenir of this historic day. Maybe a plush Boris teddy in a t-shirt saying ‘Got away with it again, plebs!’ and flicking the Vs at you. Or a Charles and Di-style plate with Boris Johnson gazing fondly into the eyes of his true love, Boris Johnson.  

Doing all the things you couldn’t due to restrictions 

Like going to the office. Offices are great. You’ve got fun activities like filling in spreadsheets, and your co-workers are your friends, not boring deadheads and bitchy gossips. You’ve got Boris to thank because he couldn’t resist being a smartarse and having loads of boozy parties he now wants everyone to forget.

Basking in our nation’s glory

‘Our finest hour’, ‘world-beating vaccine rollout’, ‘Blitz spirit’ – MPs and the media will come out with every inappropriate cliche. Jacob Rees-Mogg has no doubt concocted some bullshit like: ‘The lion and unicorn of Albion hath gone once more unto the breach, dear Brexiters. Rejoice.’ Be unsure whether to feel proud or barf up your dinner.

Going to hospital

With Covid precautions out of the window, a trip to hospital is likely. They’re depressing places with prison camp food, so cheer yourself up by remembering Johnson has bought himself more time to play at prime minister and stuff his face with expensive food and wine.