Wild-eyed food festival attendees double-dropping Camembert

POSH food festivalgoers are cutting loose this weekend with overpriced olive oil and artisan local cheeses rather than pills or alcohol.

Self-proclaimed foodie Joseph Turner used to get his kicks from rubbing unknown substances onto his gums in dank warehouses, but now refuses to touch anything without an organic certification.

Turner said: “Forget Creamfields, the Cotswold Heavenly Harvest Festival is f**king insane, man. Me and my mates make our annual pilgrimage every year and the line-up just gets wilder and wilder.

“Rumour has it that Ottolenghi’s swinging by to do a surprise 1pm set where he’s gonna road-test some absolutely mental grain and pulse combos. Bulgur wheat and heritage haricot, crazy shit like that.

“It’s going to be completely unmissable and we’ve already started lining up to get to the front of the stage. Might do a little bit of cheeky charcuterie in the queue to keep the vibes going.”

Turner said that since hitting 40, one of his few pleasures is losing himself in sampling tapenades on water crackers, and eating Tibetan yak jerky made by a fellow posh white guy.

He said: “I’m buzzing, man. Last year we stayed up ’til 9.30pm just shooting the shit in the preserves tent and we’ll be having another mad one tonight. If the babysitter doesn’t need a lift home.”

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