Woman left with trust issues after taking chance on new takeaway

A WOMAN who decided to vary her Friday night routine by trying a new takeaway fears she will never learn to trust again. 

Kelly Howard has lost faith in the world around her and her own sense of judgement after ordering disappointing fish and chips from a different takeaway to her regular.

Howard said: “This has shaken me to my core. If I was wrong about this then maybe I was wrong about all of my other life choices.

“I feel used. They lured me in with false promises, then spat me out with a meal that’s given me the shits. I should’ve known cod and chips with mushy peas for less than a tenner was too good to be true.

“It’s my own fault really. Everything from the chipped marble counter tops to the homemade food hygiene certificate were red flags that I chose to ignore in my pursuit of a good time. The total absence of other customers should also have been a giveaway.

“Like a cancelled celebrity, I’ll be stepping back for a while to be with my family and recover. Thank you for respecting my privacy during this difficult time.”

Howard’s former takeaway of choice, Sea Breeze Fish & Chips, said: “You think you’ve got trust issues? How do you think we’re dealing with your betrayal? We had a good thing going, but not anymore.”

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POST Office bosses knew Horizon was crap all along and that it was screwing over innocent postmasters. We asked you how justice should be served to these bastards.

Nikki Hollis, homemaker: “The punishment should fit the crime. A few decades of being driven mad at the hands of a corrupt institution should do it. Can’t say fairer than that.”

Bill McKay, vicar: “If plague, incineration and mass drowning is good enough for our benevolent Lord, it’s good enough for me.”

James Bates, accountant: “Their entire bloodline should be expunged from history. It should be as though they never lived. Every last trace of their cursed souls must be erased from this noble land. Yes, I do read a lot of fantasy novels. Why do you ask?”

Kelly Howard, dinner lady: “Not enough is said for pillory. If they can bring back This Is Your Life, why not medieval public humiliation?”

Oliver O’Connor, self-checkout supervisor: “This might sound excessively harsh, but they should have to try and post a parcel on a Saturday afternoon.”