Woman makes her own hummus for some reason

A WOMAN spent hours preparing her own hummus only to discover it was not even as good as the one from Aldi.

Emma Bradford, 35, thought it would be a good idea to spend the best part of a tenner on ingredients rather than just get the shop-bought stuff for a pound.

She said: “I thought by using organic chick peas and some premium tahini stuff it would be amazing.

“I spent three punishing hours in the kitchen, soaking chickpeas and blending stuff up only for it to taste like utter garbage. And now the kitchen looks like a bird has pooed all over it.

“It’s not even as nice as the massive tub I got in the bargain bin at Lidl. I think it was hummus, the label was in German, but whatever it was it tasted better than my hummus.

“I might just use it as wallpaper paste.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Three-year-old's parents ask for Prosecco for his birthday

THE mother and father of a three-year-old boy have asked family and friends to buy him sparkling wine for his birthday.

After careful thought, Martin Bishop and Donna Sheridan decided the best way to make their son Kyle’s birthday truly enjoyable would be if everyone brought a bottle, or ideally two.

Bishop said: “We feel it’s better for friends not to bother spending 20 or 30 quid on a bunch of plastic toys the kid will probably turn upside down once then throw at the wall.

“Bring Prosecco instead. He can’t enjoy it, but ask him in 25 years if he’d have wanted us to sit sober watching him trundle a Thomas the Tank Engine train 150 times across a table, and I’m sure he’d say ‘no’.

“We certainly don’t want him looking back at photos of the big day and us all looking miserable drinking cups of orange squash and tap water.

“If you must bring something non-alcoholic, bring cardboard boxes or bubble wrap, any old junk like that you have lying around. That, he will play with.”

The party will take place from 1pm till late, with Kyle being picked up by his grandparents at 2pm.

Sheridan said: “We don’t want to tire him out.”