Monday, 25th May 2020

Are you too thick to vote?

THE election is underway, but are you too bloodyminded and ill-informed to vote sensibly? Check you’re not one of these people.

You really do know f**k all

If your political knowledge is close to zero, you probably believe very odd things, eg. it’s totally wrong that Margaret Thatcher isn’t allowed to come back and sort out Brexit. Or that MPs are all the children of the Queen. For the sake of democracy, consider not voting.

You just hate other people

You are the only decent, hard-working person in Britain, and everyone else is a parasite. Ask yourself whether it is normal to believe police officers lead a pampered, lazy existence or knackered 25-year-old teachers are constantly cackling over their ‘gold-plated pensions’.  

The ‘just get Brexit done’ brigade

Weirdly, this now includes dense Remainers who are impatient about anything boring and complicated. It’s like going to the dentist to have a tooth rebuilt and saying, “Nah, just pull ‘em all out and and let’s go straight onto the dentures.”

All your opinions are from the tabloids

If your main political opinions are ‘BOG OFF COMMUNIST CORBYN!’ or ‘Lib DUMB-ocrats!’ you may be spending too long reading tabloids. Switch to a more responsible paper like the Daily Star, which contains very little propaganda due to it just being sh*te about Love Island.

You believe everything is moronically simple

Farage is a good bloke who speaks his mind. So just make him prime minister, right? If you’re asked how this would work legally or democratically, just say “It’s all b*llocks” and get another pint.