Are you too thick to vote?

THE election is underway, but are you too bloodyminded and ill-informed to vote sensibly? Check you’re not one of these people.

You really do know f**k all

If your political knowledge is close to zero, you probably believe very odd things, eg. it’s totally wrong that Margaret Thatcher isn’t allowed to come back and sort out Brexit. Or that MPs are all the children of the Queen. For the sake of democracy, consider not voting.

You just hate other people

You are the only decent, hard-working person in Britain, and everyone else is a parasite. Ask yourself whether it is normal to believe police officers lead a pampered, lazy existence or knackered 25-year-old teachers are constantly cackling over their ‘gold-plated pensions’.  

The ‘just get Brexit done’ brigade

Weirdly, this now includes dense Remainers who are impatient about anything boring and complicated. It’s like going to the dentist to have a tooth rebuilt and saying, “Nah, just pull ‘em all out and and let’s go straight onto the dentures.”

All your opinions are from the tabloids

If your main political opinions are ‘BOG OFF COMMUNIST CORBYN!’ or ‘Lib DUMB-ocrats!’ you may be spending too long reading tabloids. Switch to a more responsible paper like the Daily Star, which contains very little propaganda due to it just being sh*te about Love Island.

You believe everything is moronically simple

Farage is a good bloke who speaks his mind. So just make him prime minister, right? If you’re asked how this would work legally or democratically, just say “It’s all b*llocks” and get another pint.

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'What's reasonably priced?' asks man in London pub

A MAN has asked a barman in a London pub what they have that’s fairly priced, while presumably expecting the dead to rise and frogs to rain from the sky. 

Nathan Muir of Sheffield visited The Cornershop in Shoreditch and asked, as if casually requesting a crying statue of the Virgin Mary, what they had for under a fiver.

Muir said: “He looked at me blankly, as if breaking the news about Santa to a child, and said ‘Nothing.’

“I started speaking and he cut me off and with a tone of ‘unicorns don’t exist’ added: “Not even Carlsberg.’

“I’d hoped he’d say ‘£2.85 for Tennant’s, and the glass collector can cure the blind.’ But he didn’t so I paid six quid for a Carlsberg.

Muir continued to hope for a miracle when he offered a girl a drink and she asked for a double gin and tonic.

He said: “‘Special price for doubles?’ I asked. The barman fixed me with a glare and told me to keep praying.”