Woman mistakes her list of allergies for interesting personality

A WOMAN erroneously believes her various food allergies are evidence of what a truly fascinating character she has.

Nikki Hollis is allergic to wheat, gluten, nuts and, she hopes, if tests come back positive, dairy. These allergies, she believes, cause her to be a rarified and exquisitely sensitive soul, somehow or other. 

Hollis said: “Yes, it’s true that at any social gathering, regardless of the topic – football, global warming, politics, Love Island, a bereavement – I will as quickly as possible find a way to bring the topic round to my growing collection of food allergies.

“But it’s not that I’m showing off. I feel I need to share my allergies with ordinary, some would say boring, people, who do not realise the profoundly life-changing journey I have been on.

“I’m not looking for sympathy. My allergies don’t cause me constant pain, nausea and exhaustion. Sometimes they’re quite subtle, such as a slight hardening of my stools when I eat non-gluten-free bread. That counts.

“You should check your stools after consuming different food types. It might be that you have an undiagnosed high level of interestingness, like me.”

Emma Bradford, Hollis’s oldest friend said: “I’ve known Nikki for ages but recently I’ve developed an allergy to her allergies that makes me want to force-feed her peanuts. Funny how allergies can just suddenly come on.”

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Reason you're poor reports record profits

BRITISH Gas’s record profits make total sense because they are the reason you and others can barely afford food.

The energy company’s bumper £969 million windfall – an increase of almost 900 per cent – comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody because they have been squeezing you and every other customer until the pips squeak for the last year.

British Gas user Wayne Hayes said: “Sounds about right. Surprised they didn’t hit a billion to be honest. My last bill certainly did its f**king part.

“You don’t need to be a maths whizz to figure out that a smart meter with a scary number on it will make someone a lot of money. Multiply your own reading by the number of people with British Gas and you’ve got shitloads.

“Does it make them happy? Or do stacks of cash lose all meaning after a certain point? I couldn’t spend all that in several lifetimes so God knows what they’re going to do with it, except not pass it on to us plebs.

“Maybe a fleet of shiny company cars takes the edge off the knowledge that you’re destroying the planet. The should lend me one to pick up my dried pasta and beans from the food bank.”

A British Gas spokesperson said: “This was meant to be a one-off profit, but it’s gone down so well with shareholders we thought why not make it a regular thing?

“Thanks in advance for liking hot food and not wanting pneumonia.”