Woman not sure whether she should spit or swallow olives

A WOMAN cannot decide whether to gag down an olive or spit the disgusting fruit into a napkin, it has emerged.

Having weighed the pros and cons of each approach, Lauren Hewitt is no closer to deciding whether she should quickly swallow an unpleasant salty mouthful or spit it out before she tastes it.

She said: “It’s less messy to simply pop olives down the hatch, but their revolting, tangy taste really lingers in the back of the throat. It’s a tough call.

“I’m worried that if I spit the olives out then I’ll upset someone. After all, if I’m chowing down on Mediterranean food, what did I expect to taste? They’re part of the deal and I should just put on my big girl pants, pinch my nose and eat them.

“Then again, what about my needs? Talking it through with my girlfriends hasn’t helped. Some of them swear by spitting, others seem to weirdly enjoy swallowing. I wish there was a manual for this sort of thing, it would make life much easier.”

Hewitt’s boyfriend Tom Booker said: “I don’t care what she does. Her body, her choice. Just so long as she doesn’t expect me to kiss her afterwards.”

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They're your turds, say water companies

BRITAIN’S water companies have hit back at criticism by pointing out that the turds clogging the rivers and seas all came from your arses.

Water UK, representing nine water and sewage companies who paid out £1.4bn in dividends last year, suggested outraged Britons should perhaps trace the problem back up the sewage pipes to their very own U-bends.

A spokesman said: “Do you think we’re shipping these turds in from China? No. This sewage is 100 per cent domestic.

“Which means that floater you’re so disgusted to see bobbing past your face in the sea at Weymouth came from a bottom not so different from your own. 

“You sit there, hypocritically moaning about rivers of untreated human waste, then you’re straight off to the toilet to make the problem worse. Where do you think your shit goes when you flush? Fairyland?

“This is an entirely arse-made problem, with literally tens of millions of them shipping a bowel movement per day, and you’re blaming us for it? If you all just shat in a carrier bag or a hole in the garden for a week this problem would be over like that.”

The spokesman added: “We’ve completely eliminated the scourge of wild swimming, and do we get any credit for that? No. It’s just blame, blame, blame.”