Six luxuries of the poor, from phones to cheese. By Ann Widdecombe

POOR people should not have anything that makes life enjoyable, and that includes food. Here is Ann Widdecombe’s guide to what they don’t deserve.


Ann doesn’t want to hear your rubbish about how hard it is to look for a job, check your emails or just stay in touch with friends and family without a smartphone. They’re new-fangled devices for lazy heathens. Ann thinks so, because she was born in 1947. Or possibly 1847. She probably thinks Florence Nightingale was a nanny state do-gooder.


If you don’t have much money, a Netflix subscription is going to make up a large part of your entertainment. However, Ann thinks anyone who can afford to spend £5.99 a month on telly is obviously living in the lap of luxury. You know what you should do instead? Go to church. It’s free, and it might stop you being tortured in Hell forever. That’s better than Succession.

Habitable homes

You want a safe, warm, mould-free home for your family? Who do you think you are, King Charles? The reason you can’t afford a nice home isn’t because the housing market is out of control, it’s because you’re a feckless layabout. Yes, even if you already work two jobs. Why not just get three, or ten?

Foreign holidays

Ann doesn’t care if a week all-inclusive on the Costa Brava is significantly cheaper than hiring a caravan in Cornwall. Anyone on benefits should reimburse the cost of every holiday they’ve ever had and have their passport confiscated. Skegness is all they deserve. 


Ann wants people to have more children, but only white ones and only if parents can completely afford them, which even the middle classes are struggling with. If poor people don’t have children, who will Ann judge and disparage? She’s got a lot of nasty prejudices and she’s utterly mad, so she’d have to turn to British wildlife. Badgers? There’s plenty of jobs picking fruit but will they get off their furry arses? No. Don’t get her started on pond skaters, the freeloading bastards.


On top of everything else, all these other unnecessary fripperies, you want to eat as well, do you? There is a cost-of-living crisis on, don’t you know? It’s just selfishness. It would probably be better for society if all the poor people starved to death, so maybe it’s a problem which will solve itself.

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Willoughby and Schofield to wed

This Morning presenters Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield are to marry, it has been confirmed.

The couple hope their impending nuptials will lay to rest rumours of a rift between them, and now look forward to consummating their marriage during a luxury two-week honeymoon in Bali.

They brushed off claims of crisis talks and tension in their professional relationship, reassuring ITV viewers that everything in the daytime TV garden is perfect and lovely as usual.

Willoughby said: “For 14 years Philip and I regarded ourselves as just good friends, but over the past week I’ve discovered extremely strong feelings of love and sexual attraction for him.

“I’ve explained it to my longstanding husband and children and they agree I must follow my heart and do what’s right for the programme – the programme of entirely spontaneous love between me and Phil.”

Schofield said: “A few years ago, I came out of the closet and declared I was gay. But I was mistaken and I’m actually deeply in love with my co-presenter, so we must take a vow of holy matrimony before God.

“What can I say? Life is full of surprises. I’m so happy. We can’t keep our hands off each other, etcetera etcetera.”

An ITV spokesperson said: “We extend the station’s best wishes to Phil and Holly and they can look forward to a particularly romantic wedding present from us – an 18.5 per cent pay rise subject to confirmation by their respective agents.”

The church ceremony will take place in June at an unspecified location in Sussex, with celebrity guests including Andi Peters and Gordon the Gopher.