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Woman snorts line of pumpkin spice

A WOMAN has snuck off to the nearest bathroom to cut and snort a line of pumpkin spice, in keeping with the season.

Finding consuming pumpkin spice via seasonal lattes just does not give her the buzz it used to, Nikki Hollis has begun doing bumps of the orange autumnal powder in the privacy of coffee shop toilet cubicles.

She said: “Mugs of coffee heaped with cream were only diluting the strength of my hit. Sniffing pumpkin spice straight off a toilet lid gives me a more powerful rush of cosy vibes.

“The baristas discretely sells me a few grams round the back of Starbucks, then it’s just a matter of cutting a few lines with my loyalty card and hoovering up a nice generous noseful.

“It’s an expensive high that only lasts for about 20 minutes, but it’s worth it for a euphoria that feels like kicking my way through crunchy leaves or snuggling up by a fire in oversized knitwear.

“The only issue is I keep needing more and more to stave off the painful comedown of realising autumn’s just dark mornings, drizzle and Strictly.” 

Concerned friend Donna Sheridan said: “Nikki needs to stop while she can. Yes, I smoke rocks of gingerbread latte, but only in December.”

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Phillipson, Thornberry, Kemi Badenoch: who will be Labour's next deputy leader?

ANGELA Rayner is gone, but who could possibly replace her? The race to be deputy prime minister begins now and these are the candidates: 

Bridget Phillipson, education secretary

Main selling point is being proudly working class but not as working class as Angela Rayner, because she might be from a council house in Gateshead but she still went to Oxford. Has similar bob to Rachel Reeves; whether in affiliation or mockery is not yet known.

Dame Emily Thornberry, England flag-abhorrer

Continuity Corbyn candidate who will loom from the shadows to remind Starmer he promised to keep the full manifesto in 2019 and he has betrayed the Great Old One who will shortly rise from the sunken depths of his allotment and subjugate the world. Until then will like having a driver again.

Kemi Badenoch, Conservative leader

Starmer needs a token appointment who will keep their head down and not interfere with his government, and Kemi fits in every regard. Her identity as a black right-winger patronises those communities sufficiently and she’s amply demonstrated that nothing she says is even noticed by the media. The odds-on choice.

Prince, the dog who says ‘sausages’

In 1979, That’s Life brought the country a terrier who, when his rockabilly owner manipulated his throat correctly, said ‘sausages’. He united a nation which hasn’t come together in the same way since, except for Diana dying and that’s harder to replicate. Starmer is to locate a similar dog, cause it to vocalise, appoint it his deputy and ride the tsunami of popularity.

The terrifying spirit of wokeness, which haunts us all

The deputy PM takes over if the leader is incapacitated or dead, and what could make us pray that Starmer stays healthy more than appointing wokeness itself second-in-line? Even Reform would hesitate to attack when a shock resignation would see the borders opened, all sexualities declared queer and a drag queen on the throne.

Keir Starmer, prime minister

If Rayner could be housing secretary, deputy prime minister and vaper-in-chief, then why can’t Starmer do two jobs? Bitterly opposed by Labour’s left wing, modernisers, traditionalists, King Charles, his closest allies, his family and all other parties, Starmer will win because he’s a safe compromise choice, just like he won in July 2024.

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