THE brands we buy are a reflection of our identity so in purchasing these, you’re admitting you’re a credulous ponce who’ll pay over the odds for bullshit:
Fentimans
Pop manufacturer Fentimans have cornered the ‘twee Victorian pharmaceuticals’ market by selling in every art gallery. Though indistinguishable in taste from any supermarket cola, it’s glass, has unnecessary writing in a venerable font, and therefore looks less like being a cheap prick when you turn up at a friend’s party with a bottle of lemonade.
Bear Fruit Yo-Yos
Fruit Winders were trash for trashy kids, no better than congealed Fruit Shoots. But replace the neon colour palette with pastels, pop a silhouette of a bear on and suddenly fruity leather is the go-to snack for over-parented middle-class tots.
Cawston Press
Another quaint new arrival to the drinks market, Cawston Press have somehow convinced us all that juice was only a tooth-rotting concern when Sunny Delight did it. Old Cawston’s drinks must be healthy, because look, that mango is hand-drawn.
Charlie Bigham
Such a friendly, familiar name, it’s almost impossible to remember you’d never heard it a decade ago. Fool yourself all you like, Waitrose shoppers, but Charlie’s charging you double the market rate for a bog-standard ready meal and laughing as he does it. Those wooden baskets have paid for 60 acres of Irish country estate.
Joe & Seph’s
Popcorn is the cheapest, easiest snack to make, and yet step into any indie cinema and they’re flogging you a weeny bag of this crap for twice the price of Butterkist. No wonder you’ve smuggled M&Ms in.
Monty Bojangles
‘Ooo aren’t we delightfully British?’ If these advent calendar-quality chocolate shysters wanted to come up with an authentic made-up English name, they should have called themselves Roy Taylor. But that doesn’t sound wonderfully frivolous, does it?
