YOUR braces are off, you’ve discovered Lynx Epic Fresh and your parents have accepted getting laid is a possibility. This is the red-faced, mumbled advice they gave you: 

“You’ll know what to do naturally” 

Being a good lover comes instinctively, like a baby bird learning to fly by being pushed out of the nest. That’s how your dad learned. The question of whether his instinct made him any good or just able to procreate is one he’s never paused to consider.

“When you’re ready, you’ll know” 

What will the signs be? Butterflies? Birds singing? Fireworks? Unchained Melody played by a string quartet? When it turned out the actual sign was your boyfriend Warren getting his knob out.

“If he won’t wear a condom, it isn’t love” 

For years, you took any lover’s reluctance to glove up as a personal affront. Then you discovered how much more pleasant sex was without an odorous latex interlude.

“Don’t be too eager or you’ll scare them off”

A helpful tip which resulted in scores of potential lovers assuming you weren’t interested and actual lovers assuming you were the matriarch of the Addams family? Which got you a lot of Goth cock.

“Don’t ask what she wants, you should know”

Perhaps the worst advice ever given about not only sex but women. If she told you what gets her off, that would be cheating on the great A-level examination that is sex. As a result you satisfied no woman until you were 28.

“You’ve had a tampon up there, it’s not much different” 

It is very different. There’s no applicator, and you can’t wedge it in then go about your day. Also, men aren’t so honest about size as the Feminine Products section at Tesco.

“Women don’t really like sex, they just put up with it”

An assumption their partner will experience zero pleasure does explain a lot of male lovemaking. If you’re a woman, you’ll expect sex to be a burden. Your libido still baffles you to this day.

“You shouldn’t need lube if you’re doing it right”

Because vaginal dryness is nothing but a wry comment on his foreplay technique. Two stars, says your pussy.

“Try and last by reciting the alphabet” 

It’s impossible to recite the alphabet without doing that song, and that song’s the same tune as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and now you’re half-whisting a children’s bedtime lullaby while pounding away. Not sexy.

“Make her climax by tonguing the alphabet”

Better, though still disturbingly redolent of early-years learning. What do you do if you’ve reached Z and she’s not finished? Move on to numbers? Punctuation marks? Wingdings?