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'Is it me?' asks woman who, yes, is the author of all her problems

A WOMAN who is patently the cause of every major problem in her beleaguered life, career and relationship has asked if it is her. 

Sophie Rodriguez has confronted her best friend with the question when discussing the written warning she got from work, whether her boyfriend knows she cheated and her forthcoming eviction, and wondering as to the common factor in events. 

She continued: “My boss knows I can’t stand Kaycee because she caught me going through her bag once, but he sits me opposite her? But then I end up pulling her hair out and it’s like I’m the problem. 

“Then James is closing in on my still shagging Macca while my coke dealer I banged keeps calling and I’m like why me? Is it my fault? Is it something I’m doing? 

“When a landlord says you can’t have pets he means dogs, right? But suddenly ‘I’m evicted’ because the chinchilla that escaped chewed through wiring and also I took a wall out. How can it all this happen to the same person?

“Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I doing all this to myself? Please, be honest with me, it’s better I know, is it me?” 

Friend Hannah Tomlinson said: “Oh God no it’s not you, no way, no don’t blame yourself at all.” 

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Tube strike leaves city of buses, bikes, cars and taxis unable to get to work

THE RMT walkout has Londoners with absolutely no way they can possibly get to work, not counting all the others. 

Commuters childishly reliable on the Underground, which is essentially for tourists, have been left stranded on streets with a well-connected transport infrastructure after industrial action.

SEO consultant Martin Bishop said: “It’s hopeless. Now that the Tube’s out of action I’m practically immobile. I can barely reach the kitchen.

“Technically my Oyster works on buses, surface rail, trams, the DLR, the IFS Cloud cable car and Thames Clipper River Bus services, but I’d have to walk to those. Or hire a bike, or use the bike I already have.

“Besides, using the Tube makes me feel like a real Londoner. Even if I made it to work, I’d arrive there just some lad from Bolton.”

Screenwriter Nikki Hollis said: “God this strike is so inconvenient. If only there were cars I could flag down or summon via an app to take me to work. Make it happen!

“When I say work, I mean I have to go to a shared workspace with plants or the British Library or a particular fancy Hackney cafe, obviously. I don’t know about people who work in shops or garages. I suppose they get the bus already.”

Reform voter Oliver O’Connor said: “What I’m seeing is our clever right-wing response to this strike is: automate the Tube! While protecting British jobs obviously.”

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