Woman with terrible diet confused by bad skin

A WOMAN who eats complete shit all the time is baffled as to why her skin is in such a state.

Sophie Rodriguez is flummoxed by her constant breakouts and blocked pores, despite eating 35 bags of crisps for every piece of fruit and actively pursuing an unhealthy lifestyle.

The 32-year-old said: “I thought spots were meant to be a teenage thing. But I nip in the loo at KFC and yep, there’s another one.

“Yes, I’ve had takeaway the last six nights with little to no nutrients and I make sure to drink barely any water. And every weekend I binge drink and smoke 20 fags. But apart from that I live a healthy lifestyle. I walk to the pub.

“Still my skin is basically an oil slick. I’ve tried everything – cleanser, micellar water, cucumber peel masks from Superdrug – apart from making better dietary choices and it makes no difference. It just doesn’t add up.

“I think all I can do at this point is accept that it must just be genetic and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do to help myself.”

Boyfriend James Bates said: “I’ve suggested she eat vegetables or drink something that isn’t coffee, Diet Coke or vodka, but she looks at me like I’ve just slapped her and tells me to piss off. I’m not getting involved.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Anti-vaxxers move on to Lemsip

VACCINE sceptics are now condemning Lemsip, the popular lemon-flavoured cold and flu remedy, as government mind control. 

Not content with discouraging the Covid vaccine which has demonstrably stopped the spread of Covid while reducing hospitalisations and deaths, the movement is now calling Lemsip ‘the harbinger of the New World Order’.

Anti-vaxxer Roy Hobbs said: “Battling one of the most impressive achievements of modern medicine has been a bit of an uphill battle. But turning people against Lemsip will be easy because it tastes like sweetened piss.

“We won’t need to bullshit about how Lemsip containing nanochips that rewrite your DNA and track your movements. We’ll just bring back horrible memories of downing the foul shit which made you retch when you were already ill.

“We’ve been drinking this disgusting citrus powder for decades and it hasn’t eliminated fevers, headaches and blocked noses, so it’s clearly fake.

“Even if you drink Lemsip you can still transmit a nasty cold. It’s a conspiracy to wipe out Night Nurse.”

Josh Hudson said: “Now I think about it, Lemsip was always pushed on me by women in the office I hated. The loonies are right. And the blackcurrant flavour’s even worse.”