MY BROTHERS and their birds. God, by way of the Prophet Farage, has revealed unto me, Roy Hobbs, the rules by which we must live our lives.
Thou shalt not blame Brexit
Brexit means Brexit. Nothing about Brexit is bad, ergo nothing bad can be blamed on Brexit.
Thou shalt not be a snowflake
And, furthermore, thou shalt not go to university which is a breeding ground for snowflakes. I didn’t and look at me. Exactly.
Thou shalt reference World War Two
Our ancestors didn’t die in World War Two so that we could not consider it relevant to every political issue that may arise. And the Blitz.
Thou shalt blame all on immigration
Too many immigrants, meaning you can’t get a job? Immigration mate. Not enough immigrants, meaning you have to do a menial job? Immigration mate.
Thou shalt put an Union Jack on everything
House, window, body. They call it Great Britain for a reason. Call yourself a patriot?
Thou shalt believe in freedom of speech for yourself
Say it with me: ‘Is the truth too triggering for you leftie snowflakes?’ However, he who slaggeth Churchill should shut up or else.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s economy
Britain is the best country in the world, and no ‘ranking of average GDP’ can prove that wrong. Germany? Not got our innovation innit bruv.
Thou shalt keep the holy days
St George’s Day, Remembrance Day, Brexit Day, and whenever England play. On these days you must get beered up.
Thou shalt not take the Queen’s name in vain
Bloody brilliant. I won’t hear a word against her. What she’s done for this country deserves respect. Keepeth a portrait of Liz on your wall and salute it daily.
Thou shalt worship the past
And lo, recall how kids used to play outside ‘til dark and there was no such thing as paedos or racism.