'Thou shalt not be a snowflake' – The Ten Gammondments, as revealed unto a bloke called Roy

MY BROTHERS and their birds. God, by way of the Prophet Farage, has revealed unto me, Roy Hobbs, the rules by which we must live our lives.

Thou shalt not blame Brexit

Brexit means Brexit. Nothing about Brexit is bad, ergo nothing bad can be blamed on Brexit.

Thou shalt not be a snowflake

And, furthermore, thou shalt not go to university which is a breeding ground for snowflakes. I didn’t and look at me. Exactly.

Thou shalt reference World War Two

Our ancestors didn’t die in World War Two so that we could not consider it relevant to every political issue that may arise. And the Blitz.

Thou shalt blame all on immigration

Too many immigrants, meaning you can’t get a job? Immigration mate. Not enough immigrants, meaning you have to do a menial job? Immigration mate.

Thou shalt put an Union Jack on everything

House, window, body. They call it Great Britain for a reason. Call yourself a patriot?

Thou shalt believe in freedom of speech for yourself

Say it with me: ‘Is the truth too triggering for you leftie snowflakes?’ However, he who slaggeth Churchill should shut up or else.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s economy

Britain is the best country in the world, and no ‘ranking of average GDP’ can prove that wrong. Germany? Not got our innovation innit bruv.

Thou shalt keep the holy days

St George’s Day, Remembrance Day, Brexit Day, and whenever England play. On these days you must get beered up.

Thou shalt not take the Queen’s name in vain

Bloody brilliant. I won’t hear a word against her. What she’s done for this country deserves respect. Keepeth a portrait of Liz on your wall and salute it daily.

Thou shalt worship the past

And lo, recall how kids used to play outside ‘til dark and there was no such thing as paedos or racism.

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EU to do whatever it takes to make us f**k off

THE EU has announced that whatever it is if it makes Britain f**k off then it is worth it. 

A new offer from the EU which Britain will reject to prove some kind of arsehole point has seen the entire continent united in its desire to have nothing more to do with us.

European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen said: “We have made a diplomatic offer, but the undiplomatic version is would you please just f**k off and leave us alone?

“Every day some new bullshit. You want our lorry drivers back. It’s not fair we’re making you follow regulations that you yourselves set. Lord Frost wants a new protocol so he can call that unfair too.

“You accuse us of ganging up on you. We’re in a f**king union, dipshits. It’s basically a gang where we wrote down the rules. Of course you’re on your own.

“We’d dig a moat between you and us except there’s already one there and it makes piss-all difference because we still hear you whining that it’s unfair all day all night. For Christ’s sake will you just f**king go away?”

Lord Frost said: “I’m afraid we need a big fight with you so Boris can win next year’s snap election. So it doesn’t really matter what you say. Sorry.”