'Asians all look the same,' says Tory MP indistinguishable from 300 colleagues

ONE of the hundreds of white suit-wearing male Conservative MPs in his 50s has admitted that to him all Asians look the same. 

The man, who is thought to be James Grey but nobody can be certain because he is functionally identical to all the rest, is currently MP for some rural seat in the South where he will eventually be replaced by a lookalike holding the same views and driving the same classic car.

Denys Finch Hatton, one of a handful of ghost-white Tory backbenchers who the general public can name, said: “Are you asking me because you think I’m him? I’m not him. I’ve checked and I’ve got a different wife.

“Just because we all went to the same private school, love hunting and are embroiled in tax evasion doesn’t mean that we’re carbon copies of each other. It’s an offensive stereotype.

“I, for example, can easily tell the difference between my Sajid Javids and my Nadhim Zahawis. My only cross to bear is my deeply bigoted opinions about women.

“And Nadine Dorries agreed with those completely when we spoke the other day. Or was it Liz Truss? Damn.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

You are your endorsements: a LinkedIn user's guide to life

LOVE the thrill of a mutual connection? Entrepreneur and leadership yogi Bill McKay explains how to live through LinkedIn.

You are your endorsements

People measure their self worth in a variety of ways. How much do I weigh? Where do I live? How many kids do I have? I prefer to measure mine by the endorsements I get from former colleagues. When a manager I had ten years ago says I’m proficient in Excel, that’s what really defines me.

See everything as a CV-booster

We all face challenges in our daily life, but it’s important to see them in a LinkedIn context. Shouting at a barista when they get your coffee order wrong shows that you’re able to be assertive. Planning a child’s birthday party is event management. Losing a grandparent gives you resilience, which recruiters absolutely love to see.

Inspirational quotes are everything

‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’. When Martin Luther King said that all those years ago, he probably never realised what an impact it would have on the landscape of our newsfeeds. Random quotes are a fantastic way to pretend you are full of knowledge and wisdom, when really you’re a vacuous idiot.

Your network is everywhere

Some people only add colleagues or close personal friends to their network – not me. I know that business opportunities can stem from anywhere. Last week, I asked a teenager running a bake sale at a local car boot sale to add me on LinkedIn so we could discuss taking it national. That’s the kind of level-headed business decision you’d see on The Apprentice.

Never forget where you came from

When I’m flying high, I remember to scroll down to the bottom of the page and reflect on my paper round in 1982 – it gave me the tenacity and drive to succeed that I still have today. I try not to dwell on the fact that I’d rather be trudging around in the rain pushing the local rag through letterboxes than doing my current job. That’s not the LinkedIn way.