Work was stressful, and four other bullshit excuses to justify getting a takeaway

WHATEVER you cobble together in the kitchen will be far inferior to any takeaway. But you still need some excuse for getting yet another chicken bhuna. Try these.

Work was stressful

Even though you mostly sat at your computer mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, it’s important to make it seem as if you’ve just spent 14 hours dragging coal out of a mine. Looking at a screen really takes it out of you, so it would be madness to start rustling up a casserole.

There’s nothing in the kitchen

You notice with relief that you’re missing some incredibly inconsequential ingredient for the dinner you had planned. Despite having several supermarkets in the vicinity you tell yourself that the only possible way you can eat tonight is by ordering Chinese.

You’re supporting local business

Pretend your own laziness is actually a benevolent decision to help out a small struggling restaurant. However, it’s particularly hard to believe if the ‘local business’ you end up choosing to support turns out to be Domino’s, even if it is just round the corner.

I ate healthily yesterday

You ate something for dinner yesterday that contained some kind of vegetable. This means you can reward yourself for your success in your new health kick by ordering a medically inadvisable volume of curry. All the healthiness in yesterday’s vegetable will balance out any unhealthiness in a takeaway – that’s just science.

I’ll go for a run tomorrow

This is similar to the above, except that instead of actually having done anything vaguely healthy, you’re merely half-heartedly promising to do something healthy. Deep down, you know there is zero chance of you waking at the crack of dawn to stumble around a local park, but at least you got some fish and chips.

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Town enjoying absence of Christmas market

A TOWN that usually hosts a Christmas market is enjoying being free of that shit for a year.

Residents of Whitby are in universal agreement that the absence of tacky stalls and throngs of shoppers pissed on mulled wine is actually preferable to having them.

Resident Martin Bishop said: “The bleak weather makes town look even more empty and desolate than usual. It’s a miserable sight that warms my heart.

“Usually at this time of year I have to barge my way through swarms of twats by windmilling my fists, but now I stroll down the street swinging my arms around without a care in the world.

“Except for coronavirus and the impending economic collapse, obviously.”

Local shopkeeper Donna Sherridan said: “You’d think the reduced footfall would be bad news for me. But now idiots can buy overpriced shit they don’t need from my shop instead of from a garden shed covered in LEDs.

“Incidentally, can I interest you in a wooden tie? It’s only £68 for two.”