Your guide to being an annoyingly inconsistent vegetarian

MEAT-eaters usually grudgingly respect veggies’ healthy, ethical lifestyle choice. But not the ones with extremely arbitrary ‘rules’ they think it’s fine to break. Such as these…

Bacon lapses

Apparently bacon ceases to be an animal product when it’s crisped up and placed between two slices of white bread with ketchup. That’s just a scientific fact – ask any zoologist. And that’s why the dictionary definition of vegetarianism is: ‘The practice of not eating meat, apart from when it smells totally amazing and one little sarnie won’t hurt, will it?’


Genuinely confusing if you avoid meat but also tuck into some grilled chicken now and then. ‘X is wrong, but a small amount of X is fine’ is not a moral standard that anyone has ever applied in history. Arsonists don’t expect to walk free from court if they ‘only burned the one school’. Jack the Ripper is not applauded for just killing five prostitutes and leaving it at that. ‘Good old Jack, he knew not to overdo things’ is not a phrase you tend to hear.

Bingeing on rennet 

Vegetarians get some sympathy from meat-eaters here, because if there’s one surefire way to make boring vegetables more palatable it’s covering them in melted cheese. They don’t pump cows’ stomachs to get rennet though, so unless you’re eating slightly strange vegetarian cheese it’s not vegetarian. More to the point, if you’re one of those veggies who has cheese with absolutely everything, maybe you should consider a more accurate name, eg. CathedralCityarian. 


Pescetarianism is less a diet than a confusing moral maze centred on the nature of animal consciousness and modern farming methods. Do fish in a net suffer? You can imagine a lamb thinking ‘Shit, this place is starting to creep me out!’ when they rock up at the abbatoir, but it’s hard to get inside the mind of a cod. It does raise the suspicion that cuteness is a factor in your ethical choices, but fish are pretty ugly so f**k them.

Ditching your vegetarianism for a particularly nice meal

Christmas dinner is the obvious example – those pigs in blankets look lovely, and ooh, the smell! You’re sure any pig or turkey would have to agree. However there are other scenarios, like going to a super-posh restaurant where it would be a shame not to enjoy it properly. And you’ve got to eat meat if you want to try, say, the tasting menu at the Fat Duck. The lambs, cows, scallops, etc. were probably thrilled to meet a celebrity like Heston Blumenthal anyway and practically hurled themselves into the saute pan.

Fad meat-free diets

If you’re doing the veggie Palaeolithic diet of nuts and berries, it’s probably not from concern about animal welfare or the environment, it’s because you’re into fad diets first and foremost. You absolutely would try The Endangered Snow Leopard Diet if someone had written a book about it full of vague benefits like ‘having more energy’.

Temporary teenage vegetarians 

Not all teenage vegetarians, obviously, just the ones for whom it’s clearly a short-lived fashion choice. Strictness varies – you can either subject your mum to the minor hassle of buying vegetarian ready meals, or go full-on veggie gestapo and demand evidence that your potatoes have not been contaminated by a serving spoon that’s touched a disgusting, pig-murdering sausage. It’s a dreadful teenage cliche, but will provide years of entertainment for sadistic mums and dads gleefully reminding you that your high-minded stance lasted precisely eight-and-a-half days.

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Everyone planning to set off a bit early for Christmas to avoid traffic

EVERY single person is planning to set off a day early for Christmas in order to avoid heavy traffic, it has emerged.

With roads set to be hell over the coming days, everyone has cleverly decided to beat the Christmas getaway rush by setting off slightly earlier than everyone else in order to enjoy a stress-free journey.

Wayne Hayes, who will be driving from Portsmouth to Peterborough, said: “This genius plan only works if nobody else has the same obvious idea. It’s bulletproof.

“I can only imagine how quiet the A3 will be. I’ll probably be able to keep the kids entertained by taking my hands off the wheel and safely swerving between the empty lanes for a bit of fun.”

Donna Sheridan from Lancaster said: “I’m driving all the way to Newquay, which is usually a ballache at this time of year. But by setting off a few hours earlier I’ll definitely do it in record time.

“What could go wrong? It’s not like the motorways will be gridlocked with festive travellers. Everyone knows that only happens on Christmas Eve, which is why everyone tries to avoid driving then.

“Shit, I’m basically f**ked for not driving down in November, aren’t I?”