DO you sometimes go to the supermarket under the influence of too much alcohol? Here’s how to successfully shop while shitfaced:
Imagine you have limitless cash
Pack your trolley with high-end luxury items, before waking up the next day and realising you’re skint thanks to £20 wine that tastes identical to the cheap stuff and a frozen lobster you’re too frightened to look at, let alone cook.
Pathetically pretend to be sober
Walk around in a clumsily confident way and study mundane items like packets of pasta in great detail while talking loudly to yourself. People won’t suspect you’re drunk because they’ll be too busy staying well away from you.
Buy strange stuff
Suddenly become very adventurous and buy things like quails’ eggs, chicken livers and star anise. When you sober up, realise you’ve got a load of random stuff even Michel Roux couldn’t turn into an edible meal, then get KFC delivered.
Chat at the checkout
Chat and joke with supermarket staff, perhaps enquiring what shifts they work. In your inebriated mind you’ll be the classless friend of people from all walks of life and not a patronising, drunk twat.
Be dazzled by choice
Larger supermarkets, especially those that have an upstairs, offer a galaxy of choice. Stagger around starry-eyed and come away with a three-in-one avocado slicer, inflatable kayak or a collapsible gazebo for that day 30 years hence when you have a garden.
Bored of your trolley? Take someone else’s, and spend the next week living on the groceries of a 76-year-old woman who spoils her grandchildren.