Hairdresser Opens Underworld Portal

A LEADING Scots hairdresser has opened a portal to the underworld in his Glasgow salon to satisfy the growing demand for paranormal coiffeuring. 

John Comerbund, of Comerbund Hairdressing in Gribson Street in Glasgow's West End, said an increasing number of clients were looking for ways to contact deceased relatives, historical figures, and members of the undead while having their hair cut.

He said the service was already proving a big hit and that so far clients had raised a number of significant individuals from the past, including Napoleon, Cleopatra and Rikki Fulton.

However, he said he did request customers not to use the portal to summon up Pure Evil, especially on Fridays or at the weekend when the salon was particularly busy.

Mr Comerbund said: “I am happy to have controversial phantasms such as Stalin appearing within the salon most days, I mean there are two sides to most stories, and some of these guys have some great tales to tell.

“But I will not have clients calling up Satan and all his minions for obvious reasons. The stench is unbearable and the sulphurous nature of the Evil One plays havoc with people’s follicles.”

The Daily Mash’s own resident clairvoyant Psychic Bob welcomed the move saying it was high time a new underworld portal was opened in Scotland’s biggest city.

He said that the existing portals were all heavily oversubscribed leading to long delays for good and evil spirits attempting to enter the human sphere.

“It is worse than the M8 in rush-hour,” he said. “I have been on at the council about this for ages but they just act as if the problem does not exist.”

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Jail The Parents Of Masturbators, Says Charity

PARENTS who allow their teenage sons to masturbate at home should face jail, a leading charity says. 

Masturbation Concern said research showed a huge increase in the fondling of their own parts by young males in recent years.

It warned that the current self-pleasuring epidemic was a ticking time bomb storing up problems for the future such as blindness, derangement and so-called 'binge-wanking'.

Halsy Knox, a campaigns officer for Masturbation Concern, said parents had to act now or legislation was inevitable.

He said: “It’s just not good enough for mum to pop into the boy’s room and leave a cup of tea on the bedside table when he is having a crafty one with the headphones on.

“Nor is it good enough to go into his bedroom when he's out and obviously rifle through his 'jazz' magazines so he knows he’s been rumbled.

“We’ve tried the subtle approach and frankly it does not work. The dirty, filthy perverts just keep doing their perverted stuff.”

Masturbation concern is also calling for daily five mile runs for every boy and compulsory mitten wearing until the age of 18.