THE bicycle at the centre of Britain's worst case of inanimate object abuse has told how she was offered treats including expensive chain-oil, a new bell and a dynamo.
Bike 'X' said she trusted her owner and was happy for him to sit on her up to three times a day.
She told the Daily Mash: "There were times when I thought he was rubbing his bottom into me a bit hard, but I didn't say anything.
"Then, after a couple of months, he said he wanted to do more than just pedal to the video shop.
"At first I said no, but he was really sweet and would give me presents, rub lavender oil into my saddle and pump me every morning.
"Then one afternoon he came home drunk, removed my handlebars and stuck his whatnot into the metal tube.
"If the cleaners hadn't come in he'd have been fingering my mudflaps."
Police say the case is even more horrific than the infamous Angle-Poise Lamp Abuser who stalked the reading-nooks of Swindon in the mid-1990s.
Superintendent Bill McKay said: "The angle-poise lamp is the inanimate equivalent of a dirty gymnast.
"But it's quite another thing to force yourself on a defenceless bike that just wants to be ridden for pleasure."