Monday, 19th April 2021

16 places you'll be allowed to go with a vaccine passport

BORIS Johnson has denied any decision has been made on vaccine passports, which means they are a nailed-on certainty. But where will they allow you to go? 

1: The pub, where you will join fellow passport holders in a boozy, Covid- and child-free heaven that you will refuse to ever leave

2: A restaurant, where the sheer joy of some other bastard cooking for you will see you order a starter, a main, another starter, another main, a dessert, and f**k it, another starter

3: A football stadium, which will once again echo with boring and unpleasant chants about players who preferred it quiet so they could concentrate

4: The theatre, where you will reflect that you hadn’t really missed it and telly is better

5: A gig, where you will be so excited you’ll get shitfaced during the support act and pass out before the band and it’ll still be the best night you’ve had in a year

6: A music festival, where you will consume a year’s worth of drugs watching an utterly haphazard, pieced-together line-up and have the best time of your life

7: A care home, where you will strangely do high-fives with your gran

8: A hospital’s Covid ward, because why not? 

9: A shopping centre in a Midlands town because now nothing can hurt you, not even a knackering, boring trudge round the shops and pensioners on mobility scooters

10: A packed lift in said shopping centre, where you admit that you’re running out of new places to go now

11: Your next-door neighbour’s front room whether they want you to or not, where you can mock them for not having a passport and stay as long as you like and there’s nothing they can do about it, probably

12: Wales, if you’re so inclined

13: Scotland, unless the SNP gets really f**ked off and builds a wall around it

14: Barnard Castle, to see what all the fuss is about

15: Whichever countries will have us and which we’re desperate enough to keep doing business with, so basically Dubai, or Saudi Arabia for a holiday that’s a bit different

16: The office. Shit. Oh f**king hell. You wish you hadn’t got a passport now.