16 places you'll be allowed to go with a vaccine passport

BORIS Johnson has denied any decision has been made on vaccine passports, which means they are a nailed-on certainty. But where will they allow you to go? 

1: The pub, where you will join fellow passport holders in a boozy, Covid- and child-free heaven that you will refuse to ever leave

2: A restaurant, where the sheer joy of some other bastard cooking for you will see you order a starter, a main, another starter, another main, a dessert, and f**k it, another starter

3: A football stadium, which will once again echo with boring and unpleasant chants about players who preferred it quiet so they could concentrate

4: The theatre, where you will reflect that you hadn’t really missed it and telly is better

5: A gig, where you will be so excited you’ll get shitfaced during the support act and pass out before the band and it’ll still be the best night you’ve had in a year

6: A music festival, where you will consume a year’s worth of drugs watching an utterly haphazard, pieced-together line-up and have the best time of your life

7: A care home, where you will strangely do high-fives with your gran

8: A hospital’s Covid ward, because why not? 

9: A shopping centre in a Midlands town because now nothing can hurt you, not even a knackering, boring trudge round the shops and pensioners on mobility scooters

10: A packed lift in said shopping centre, where you admit that you’re running out of new places to go now

11: Your next-door neighbour’s front room whether they want you to or not, where you can mock them for not having a passport and stay as long as you like and there’s nothing they can do about it, probably

12: Wales, if you’re so inclined

13: Scotland, unless the SNP gets really f**ked off and builds a wall around it

14: Barnard Castle, to see what all the fuss is about

15: Whichever countries will have us and which we’re desperate enough to keep doing business with, so basically Dubai, or Saudi Arabia for a holiday that’s a bit different

16: The office. Shit. Oh f**king hell. You wish you hadn’t got a passport now.

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Man whose wife wants skirting boards painting knows how Jesus felt

A MAN whose wife has told him he must spend the Easter break painting the skirting boards feels he now fully understands Christ’s ordeal on the cross.

Accountant Tom Logan’s wife Sarah has insisted he makes the ultimate sacrifice by not spending all weekend watching Sky Sports, particularly Arsenal vs Liverpool on Saturday night.

Logan said: “I really get how Jesus must have felt. He was probably expecting a decent break after all his hard work being Messiah, just like me in the accounts department, then suddenly your bank holiday’s ruined.

“There’s a bit in the gospel according to Mark, 14:36, where Christ asks God to spare him crucifixion. ‘Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me.’

“It was the same with me. I asked my wife if I could be spared this torment. She turned me down flat. I appealed directly to God but he’s bloody forsaken me too.

“Seriously, I’d rather drink vinegar from a sponge on a stick than paint bloody skirting boards.

“I mean, fair enough, I get to rise again – at 7am on Tuesday morning to commute to work on the Northern Line. A few days chilling out in a tomb would be better.”