5 diets guaranteed to make you unspeakably tedious!

Do you want to become a fit, thin, dreadful twat? Here are a few popular ways to lose weight and the will to live in just a few weeks! 

The juice diet
Bored of moving your teeth? Then this is the diet for you. Take some delicious fruit and vegetables and place in a blender until they look like baby shite. Instagram it immediately then drink while longing for death.

Weight Watchers 
Lose weight and friends at the same time by tirelessly telling people that their food contains ‘more calories than a Mars Bar.’ Continuously bang on about points and calories until your friends lock you in a cupboard. There’s no food in there!

The Slimfast diet
Do you love feeling hungry all the time? Then why not replace food with a milk shake? What better way to feel utterly miserable than sipping a cold, bland shake instead of savouring a delicious chicken korma, like this one.

The stop eating anything nice diet
Cakes are nice. Beer is nice. Chocolate is nice. Bacon is nice. Far too nice for you. The best way to a thin and fun-free future is to replace all nice food with cabbage. Just cabbage. Nothing but cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage. Cabbage.

Go Vegan
Tell everybody that you have gone vegan. Then talk about nothing except the amazing benefits of being a vegan until you’re drugged, wrapped in a plastic sheet and thrown into a canal. At this point you should drink a little bit of the canal water. You’ll lose weight at an absolutely terrifying pace!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman goes on mini break while her husband has a shit

A WOMAN is enjoying a long weekend in Barcelona while her husband does his morning shit. 

Emma Holland is wandering happily down La Rambla after booking herself a last minute flight about an hour after her husband John closed the bathroom door.

She explained: “I got dressed, did some hoovering, watched a bit of Saturday Kitchen and he was still on the toilet.

“I wouldn’t mind but we had stuff to do this weekend. There’s some shelves need putting up in the kids’ bedrooms and we were supposed to go to Homebase.

“But he was just bolted to the loo having a long, relaxing shit – either that or he’s dead  – so I just thought ‘fuck it, I’m off’.

“I’ll be back by the time he’s finished. He won’t even notice I’m gone.”