5k run adds 30 minutes to your life but takes 40 minutes


A FIVE kilometre run adds 30 minutes to your life but takes 40 minutes, health experts have confirmed.

After putting on running shoes, stretching and uploading all the details to multiple social media platforms are taken into account, the time taken to run five kilometres is closer to an hour.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “This makes the whole endeavour twice as ineffective.”

The confirmation that running is essentially futile has confirmed what everyone has been thinking.

Runner Tom Booker admitted: “I knew this shit was stupid. Every time I went running I thought about how I’d spend my extra half an hour, and then I’d get back and realise I could have just watched an episode of Luther instead.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Running is like growing your own vegetables.”

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Cunning swimmer outwits thieves by concealing wallet and phone in shoes

A SWIMMER has outwitted thieves at his local swimming baths by hiding his wallet and phone in his shoes. 

Tom Booker, who claims to ‘know how criminals think’, cleverly avoids marauding gangs of robbers in the changing rooms of Friary Grange Leisure Centre in Lichfield by putting his valuables in the last place they would think to look. 

He added: “Trouser pockets? They’d look there. Coat pockets? Nice attempt at misdirection, but these people aren’t fools. 

“Just in my swim bag? You might as well just hand your stuff over to them. The police wouldn’t even bother to investigate. They’d blame me, and rightly so. 

“But by slipping my phone and wallet into my shoes, each separately concealed by a sock, they’ll never be detected. Right down in the toe? Who’d check?

“Now I can do my lengths with peace of mind, knowing I’ve taken the necessary precautions.” 

Booker then placed his clothes and shoes in a locker, secured it with a padlock, and went for a swim.