Absolutely Everything Can Kill You, Warns Department Of Health
EVERYTHING will carry a government warning label, under plans to prevent anything from happening, the Department of Health has announced.
From next April all things will undergo a government risk assessment and then be labeled according to the most likely catastrophe.
The move comes after a series of successful pilot schemes, including toasted sandwich makers, urban foxes and World War II grenades.
The recent move to label alcohol bottles with the warning: "This bottle is full of alcohol" was also judged to be an enormous success.
Public health minister Caroline Flint said: "This announcement follows an extensive public consultation exercise.
"More than 1400 people managed to seriously injure themselves with the consultation document. It should have carried a warning label."
She added: "This is not about the government trying to nanny people.
"We simply want to tie their shoelaces, tidy their hair, ensure they have a good breakfast and then threaten them with a £60 fine unless they brush their teeth."
OTHER WARNINGS WILL INCLUDE:
- Goldfish "Do not eat 40 of these at once"
- Milk cartons "Do not fill a basin full of milk and then stick your head in it for 10 minutes"
- Hardback books "Do not attach a chinstrap and use as a helmet"
- Helmets "Do not use for carrying hot soup"