Absolutely Everything Can Kill You, Warns Department Of Health

EVERYTHING will carry a government warning label, under plans to prevent anything from happening, the Department of Health has announced.

From next April all things will undergo a government risk assessment and then be labeled according to the most likely catastrophe.

The move comes after a series of successful pilot schemes, including toasted sandwich makers, urban foxes and World War II grenades.

The recent move to label alcohol bottles with the warning: "This bottle is full of alcohol" was also judged to be an enormous success.

Public health minister Caroline Flint said: "This announcement follows an extensive public consultation exercise.

"More than 1400 people managed to seriously injure themselves with the consultation document. It should have carried a warning label." 

She added: "This is not about the government trying to nanny people.

"We simply want to tie their shoelaces, tidy their hair, ensure they have a good breakfast and then threaten them with a £60 fine unless they brush their teeth."


  • Goldfish "Do not eat 40 of these at once"

  • Milk cartons "Do not fill a basin full of milk and then stick your head in it for 10 minutes"

  • Hardback books "Do not attach a chinstrap and use as a helmet"

  • Helmets "Do not use for carrying hot soup"
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Queen Sets Attack Dogs On 'Ghastly Salmond Fellow'

ALEX Salmond was forced to flee for his life yesterday after the Queen set a pair of dogs on him at the end of their first official audience.

According to Royal insiders the Queen and the First Minister were cordial to each other for much of the meeting at the Palace of Holyroodhouse.

But after 15 minutes the Monarch grew visibly bored and restless and looked at her watch continually.

When Salmond refused to take the hint the Queen gave a signal and a footman released a pair of snarling Dobermans with instructions to 'maim'.

A Palace spokesman said: "The man Salmond looked pretty lively at that point and bolted for the door. He struggled with the handle and lost a large chunk of his awful Marks and Spencers jacket.

"But in the nick of time he was into the corridor, charging down the stairs and onto the concourse.

"We did laugh as he pegged it towards the gates with Churchill and Gandhi tearing after him. For a fat man he can cover a lot of ground."

Salmond then scaled the 25ft high Palace gates, before dropping onto the pavement and walking casually across the road to his parliamentary office.

The First Minister said: "It was a learning experience and the next time I'll either keep it snappy or take a packet of sausages."