All doctors smoke

ALL doctors smoke fags, it has been confirmed.

Senior medical professionals have revealed that they are all addicted to cigarettes, and that they are often having one within five minutes of giving out stern health advice.

Doctor Emma Bradford spent yesterday afternoon warning patients about everything from cholesterol to tobacco and alcohol consumption, before going to smoke a gasper by some bins.

Patient Tom Booker said: “She was really hardcore with me during my check-up because I am half a stone overweight and I need to eat more apples. But all the time I could see she had a packet of Bensons on her desk, half-concealed under a heap of x-rays.”

Bradford said: “After a tough morning of check-ups and diagnoses, you need a fag.

“It’s my life anyway. I don’t see how it’s anyone else’s business.”

Fellow GP Norman Steele said: “All doctors smoke, and the more senior doctors will smoke up to three cigarettes in one fag break.

“There’s even a special cigarette brand called ‘Medic Deluxe’ that only doctors can buy. They’re really strong.”

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Barefoot running just the sort of mental thing we wanted, say fitness freaks

TRENDY barefoot running is the perfect combination of misery, showing off and pain, according to exercise fanatics.

Running without footwear supposedly improves performance, although the key benefits to fitness obsessives are proving how hard they are and making people stare at them.

Marketing manager Martin Bishop said: “I first got into barefoot running when I wasn’t getting the same buzz from telling people about my 10-mile runs in trainers.

“Now when I say I go running on pavements in bare feet everyone stares at me in awe. And when I describe the horrific foot injuries I’m prepared to endure they look positively sick with envy.

“But the real sense of achievement is when you’re running along in obvious discomfort and you know people are looking at you and thinking, ‘Wow, what a consummate athlete!’

“It’s definitely not some weird, masochistic attempt to prove how tough I am. I just happen to like running with bits of glass and gravel unnecessarily stuck in my feet.”

Fitness coach Emma Bradford said: “Barefoot running is more natural because it’s what our palaeolithic ancestors did, although by that logic you shouldn’t cover your genitals or go to a dentist.

“I’d recommend it to anyone who doesn’t feel queasy just thinking about tearing a toenail.”