All mobiles deadly except bankers’

HAVING a mobile phone strapped to your head will produce money-making brain vitamins, investment bankers were assured last night.

Always be talking

A World Health Organisation study has shown that most people are at risk from having a small but intensely powerful microwave oven two inches from their cerebellum.

But experts stressed that for high-flyers in the financial sector, the radiation totally combines with their seven-figure salaries to increase their dynamic brilliance.

A WHO spokesman said: “In order to capitalise fully on the benefits of the mobile vitamins they should also call the speaking clock on a bunch of phones and then stuff them into their underpants.

“This will massively increase the potency of their sperms and ensure that humanity enjoys an endless supply of top-quality bankers.”

The recommendations are contained in a new pamphlet entitled Better Living for Bankers which lists 10 tips for a healthier banking lifestyle, including five portions a day of semi-defrosted, Albanian fish fingers and covering yourself in goose fat and then jabbing a polar bear with a fork.

Meanwhile the study, which is a study of other studies that you could actually have done yourself, found that everyone is going to get brain cancer except horribly poor people and friendless oddballs.

Dr Julian Cook, from the Institute for Studies, said: “It is difficult to be 100 per cent sure because the symptoms of brain tumours and the symptoms of the information age are remarkably similar – apathy, aggression, loss of inhibitions, irrational outbursts and an inability to construct coherent sentences.

“However, the beauty of this is that unlike brain tumours the information age can be cured by the simple act of just shutting your hellish, self-absorbed face.”