All things now healthy and unhealthy at the same time

EVERY possible lifestyle choice is simultaneously good and bad for you, it has been confirmed.

After it was claimed that being overweight can help prevent dementia, doctors confirmed that eating vegetables, exercise and even smoking similarly exist in a quantum state of being both right and wrong.

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “Being fat is good for the mind but bad for the organs. I guess you can’t have one without the other, so I would recommend eating chips and I would also not recommend eating chips.

“Doing running makes you more toned, but you might have a heart attack. So again, that one’s up to you.

“Smoking makes you die a slow and lingering death, but on the other hand it does help with stress which is the Western world’s biggest killer. And so on and so forth.”

She added: “Basically just do what you want.

“You’ll get to about 75 or 80 and then you will die.”

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Green manifesto to be full of crazy stuff about oil not lasting forever

THE Green Party has been told to scrap its manifesto after it claimed oil would eventually run out.

The party has been dismissed as ‘a bunch of utter psychopaths’ for rejecting scientific evidence that the world’s oil wells replenish themselves every five years.

The manifesto will state: “What about, right, we maybe try to make electricity with other things like wind and waves and sunshine? Because when people say that oil will last forever they’re, you know, talking shit.”

A Green Party spokesman: “It’s a radical idea, certainly. But how do we prove it? Well, this lunchtime go and get yourself some soup and then eat it all. You’ll notice that once you’ve eaten all of it, it’s not there any more. That cup of soup is finished.

“Do a before and after picture then show it to your friends to see if they can tell the difference.”

A Conservative Party spokesman said: “Have you ever heard anything so dangerously unhinged in your life? Was it written by Charles Manson?”

A Labour Party spokesman added: “We still don’t know if oil lasts forever, so we should build more nuclear power stations just in case.

“Because uranium lasts forever.”