Amazing man can run 10k without being sponsored

A MAN has shown that is humanly possible to run for 10km without first telling the world about it on Facebook with a link to a JustGiving page.

Martin Bishop forgot to post about his run online, missing out on both humble-bragging about his running prowess and guilt-tripping his friends into donating to charity.

Bishop said: “I’d been planning on running 10km for a while and when I finally did it, I came home and proudly told the wife. Her first response was ‘How much did you raise?'”

“I realised I hadn’t asked for a single penny. But then how was I able to run such an incredible distance? Surely I should have just automatically stopped at 9.99km. It’s weird.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “You can go for a run and someone else can separately donate money to charity. There is no causal link.

“In fact, there is no legal, moral or societal requirement to post about your run online at all. So can all you smug jogging pricks please give it a rest.”

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Why shops are infectious but pubs aren't, by Matt Hancock

BEAR with me; I only found out about this mask decision five minutes ago and now I’m on television justifying it. F**king Boris. 

Anyway, I’m the health secretary, so of course I know the science behind why we must wear masks in shops, in about two weeks, but not in the pub. Because, as always, we’re following the science.

So. Most shops are large, air-conditioned spaces in which the virus will. No. Because in shops, people frequently touch objects like tables that, wait that’s not going to work either. Give me a minute.

While in pubs, people share the same air all evening so if one punter has COVID, everyone there will have it by the end of the night. Oh f**k. Let me start again.

I’m aiming this too high. Do what Boris does: imagine they’re all idiots.

Face masks in pubs? You can’t drink a pint through a chin nappy! And I love drinking pints, just like you all do! Pints of beer!

Finally. The Sun will lap that up.