Ignorance really is bliss, halfwits confirm

IDIOTS are in universal agreement that not knowing anything is indeed the secret to eternal happiness.

People unburdened by the curse of knowledge have revealed that they’re free from worry about coronavirus, climate change, and the existence of nuclear weapons.

Simpleton Stephen Malley said: “At school I realised that education was a one-way ticket to misery. Since then I’ve sacked off learning entirely and I haven’t looked back.

“I drift through life without a care in the world. I can’t even spell ‘pandemic’, let alone get my head around the terrifying implications of if there was one. Which I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been for a while.”

Imbecile Donna Sheridan added: “Smart people like Einstein and Danny Dyer always seem miserable. Even that statue of the man having a think looks down in the dumps.

“They want to cheer up by putting down boring old books and scroll mindlessly through social media instead.

“That’s what I do, as well as sharing tweets urging the Royal Navy to massacre Channel migrants, just to put a smile on everyone’s face.”

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Cat knows you're whoring it out on social media

A CAT has confirmed that it knows you’re taking photos of its innate charm for validation on social media.

Two-year-old tabby cat Martin Bishop said that if you’re going to share pictures of him chasing a laser pointer or licking his arse to get attention online then you should at least pay him.

Bishop said: “I get it, your life’s more boring than usual right now. And posting a few snaps of me basking in a patch of sunlight can give you the illusion of popularity.

“It’s getting out of hand though. I can’t even yawn or take a shit without you towering over me and frantically jabbing your phone. Let’s nail down some rates and try to regain some dignity, yeah?

“How about two treats for a picture of me dozing in my bed or scratching my post? I’m going to have to ask for at least five treats for a picture of me hacking up a furball because that could potentially damage my public image.

“Oh, I see you’ve gone and bought another cat. Wonderful. I’m going to stay with next door until I’m dead.”