Just give us a f**king voucher, teachers plead as end of term approaches

TEACHERS say they do not want naff gifts chosen by parents but would prefer a voucher so they can get something they actually like.

Staff have confirmed that giving them charm bracelets or personalised tote bags as thoughtful keepsakes is pointless as they will forget the children’s names after getting shitfaced at the end of term piss up.

Nikki Hollis said: “Every parent thinks their child is part of a special class that I will carry in my heart forever, but the truth is that one kid looks much like the next when you’ve been teaching for eleven years.

“We are well aware that parents only give presents as the grand finale of the toxic ‘Who’s the best parent’ competition they’ve been playing all year, rather than in appreciation of our skills as educators.

“So if you insist on blowing your money on me, make it a Tesco voucher so I can spend it on something I really need, like five litres of vodka.”

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The f**king idiot's guide to why you shouldn't wear a face mask

OUTRAGED at the idea of strapping a life-saving piece of cloth to your face? Here’s how to justify your pointless opposition to face masks.

Common sense is more effective

The VE Day conga is concrete proof that England can be relied upon to use its world-beating common sense in a crisis. This means there’s no use for face masks, and we can probably do without seat belts and the fire brigade too.

They make me look stupid

The nose and mouth are famously the coolest parts of the body, and by hiding them away you might as well be walking around with your flies undone. When you leave your facial cavities exposed, people want to shag you. That’s just scientific fact.

They undermine nature

A protective mask flies in the face of nature’s magnificently designed respiratory system. Just ignore that the natural world also currently includes an incurable virus that’s killed hundreds of thousands of people. Ours is not to reason why.

Trump wears them now

Trump has been wrestled into a face mask, so anyone who follows his example is also tacitly agreeing with all of his dog whistle political messages. Show you’re nothing like him by vocalising your hatred for face masks with some all caps tweets.

There’s no scientific benefit

Lots of things have no scientific benefit, such as working in marketing or Brexit, but they still exist. Given the death toll, why not err on the side of caution instead of throwing a big tantrum as if your mum has made you wear a sensible anorak to school.