Anti-vaxxers move on to Lemsip

VACCINE sceptics are now condemning Lemsip, the popular lemon-flavoured cold and flu remedy, as government mind control.

Not content with discouraging the Covid vaccine which has demonstrably stopped the spread of Covid while reducing hospitalisations and deaths, the movement is now calling Lemsip ‘the harbinger of the New World Order’.

Anti-vaxxer Roy Hobbs said: “Battling one of the most impressive achievements of modern medicine has been a bit of an uphill battle. But turning people against Lemsip will be easy because it tastes like sweetened piss.

“We won’t need to bullshit about how Lemsip containing nanochips that rewrite your DNA and track your movements. We’ll just bring back horrible memories of downing the foul shit which made you retch when you were already ill.

“We’ve been drinking this disgusting citrus powder for decades and it hasn’t eliminated fevers, headaches and blocked noses, so it’s clearly fake.

“Even if you drink Lemsip you can still transmit a nasty cold. It’s a conspiracy to wipe out Night Nurse.”

Josh Hudson said: “Now I think about it, Lemsip was always pushed on me by women in the office I hated. The loonies are right. And the blackcurrant flavour’s even worse.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

'Thou shalt not be a snowflake' – The Ten Gammondments, as revealed unto a bloke called Roy

MY BROTHERS and their birds. God, by way of the Prophet Farage, has revealed unto me, Roy Hobbs, the rules by which we must live our lives.

Thou shalt not blame Brexit

Brexit means Brexit. Nothing about Brexit is bad, ergo nothing bad can be blamed on Brexit.

Thou shalt not be a snowflake

And, furthermore, thou shalt not go to university which is a breeding ground for snowflakes. I didn’t and look at me. Exactly.

Thou shalt reference World War Two

Our ancestors didn’t die in World War Two so that we could not consider it relevant to every political issue that may arise. And the Blitz.

Thou shalt blame all on immigration

Too many immigrants, meaning you can’t get a job? Immigration mate. Not enough immigrants, meaning you have to do a menial job? Immigration mate.

Thou shalt put an Union Jack on everything

House, window, body. They call it Great Britain for a reason. Call yourself a patriot?

Thou shalt believe in freedom of speech for yourself

Say it with me: ‘Is the truth too triggering for you leftie snowflakes?’ However, he who slaggeth Churchill should shut up or else.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s economy

Britain is the best country in the world, and no ‘ranking of average GDP’ can prove that wrong. Germany? Not got our innovation innit bruv.

Thou shalt keep the holy days

St George’s Day, Remembrance Day, Brexit Day, and whenever England play. On these days you must get beered up.

Thou shalt not take the Queen’s name in vain

Bloody brilliant. I won’t hear a word against her. What she’s done for this country deserves respect. Keepeth a portrait of Liz on your wall and salute it daily.

Thou shalt worship the past

And lo, recall how kids used to play outside ‘til dark and there was no such thing as paedos or racism.

Next story ›