'Any Chance Of You Working For Five Minutes?' GPs Asked

THE Department of Health has written to GPs in England and Wales asking them if they wouldn't mind doing a bit of work, just for five minutes.

The move is part of the government's plan to introduce an out-of-hours service shortly after the introduction of a nine-to-five service later this year.

Health secretary Alan Johnson said: "I had a look at the average GP salary for the next three years and thought, 'gosh, that really is a tremendous amount of money, we should probably ask them to do a bit of work at some point'."

He added: "Although our stated policy is to withdraw NHS treatment from sick people, we do need GPs to maintain the flow of anti-depressants and help us weed out benefit cheats.

"I have today written to them asking if we could have maybe five minutes of their time, twice a week, just until we can import a few more Bulgarian locums who'll do it all for £3.50 an hour."

A spokesman for the British Medical Association said: "Mmmm, I'm not sure my guys are going to go for this. A lot of them have boats now and that's much more time consuming than you think.

"You have learn how to steer it and then how tie it on to one of those big bollard things next to the water.

"And of course, no-one wants to be rushed when they're trying to pick out just the right captain's hat."

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'Oi, Manuel! A Bit Less Racism And A Bit More Service, If You Don't Mind'

BRITAIN  was united in outrage last night after formula one ace Lewis Hamilton was racially abused by the Spanish, of all people.

Hamilton said he was disappointed by the fans' reaction, adding that he loved Spain even though the service was often slow and greasy.

Foreign secretary David Milliband has written to the mayor of Barcelona demanding an apology, a pint of Grolsch and the mixed grill.

"And, I'd like it today, if that's alright," he said. "Pronto, know what I mean? Not fuckin' mañana."

He added: "Are you ever going to finish that fuckin' cathedral, you lazy shits? Looks like it was built by the fuckin' Irish anyway."

Meanwhile angry British holidaymakers have pledged to order everything in a particularly loud voice when they invade the Costas this July.

Denys Hatton, who owns a timeshare near Marbella, said: "This is typical of the Spaniard.

"Last year my wife and I ordered the gammon steaks only to be told they had 'ran out'.

"We were then forced to eat a disgusting pile of rice, peas and incredibly fresh, succulent mussels cooked in a big frying pan. Savages."

A Spanish government spokesman said the incident was a misunderstanding and that the fans had painted their faces black to celebrate the festival of Santo Ignacio de Loyola.

He added: "It commemorates the day when Ignacio forced a black man to sit on a donkey before pushing them both off a cliff."