High Heels Attract Premature Ejaculating Foot Fetishists

WOMEN who wear high heels have poor sex lives because they only attract men who are premature ejaculating foot fetishists, a new study reveals. 

Tottering around in black patent leather six-inch stilettos, teamed with a ra-ra skirt and nylon stockings does provide women with a wide range of potential sexual partners from which to choose.

However, the research suggests that 85% of them are incapable of penetrative intercourse because they have already ruined their date’s shoes with copious amounts of ejaculate.

Henry Brubaker, director of kink at the Institute for Men, said: “The infant male child’s earliest erotic memories are of being surrounded by Amazonian sex goddesses in strappy heels.

“So as an adult even the thought of Kylie Minogue trampling up and down on his chest in a corset and a pair of peep-toe Manolo Blahniks is enough to…oh Christ, not again.”

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she had started wearing trainers and dating scruffy indie guys because she was sick of getting her expensive high heels covered in a sticky mess.

She said: “I brought one bloke home last week, stripped down for some action, put my foot on the chair to remove my shoes and he went off all over my Jimmy Choos. Next day I had to give them back to my mum.

“The previous one only got as far as the bus. He was following me up the stairs to the top deck, took two steps and then exploded in his trousers. A lucky escape, I suppose.”

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Egg Condemns 'Prudent Scum'

INTERNET bank Egg has defended its decision to cancel thousands of credit cards, describing its unwanted customers as 'prudent and reliable scum'.

The bank has been accused of stigmatising those who fail to get into financial difficulty, and damaging their chances of ever being able to pay interest of up to 22.5% APR.

An Egg spokesman said: "We discovered thousands of customers were using their credit card to pay for things they could actually afford.

"People who pay off their balance every month and have an excellent credit rating undermine our economy and are worse than communist guerillas or the maniacs of 9/11."

He added: "Thanks to this human effluent we are forced to charge our interesting customers £35 for a letter telling them they've gone overdrawn by £35 because we sent them a letter."

But Wayne Hayes, from the Citizens' Advice Bureau, said: "There is a minority of people in this country who, for a variety of reasons, are able to clear the balance on their credit cards every month.

"Perhaps they're not having family or work related problems. Perhaps they're not finding it difficult to live within a budget. Or perhaps they've just decided that it's the best way to avoid paying too much interest."

Meanwhile Egg is to relaunch its range of credit cards with a new advertising campaign, accompanied by the slogan: 'Go on, piss it up the wall, you feckless arsehole'.