THE Metropolitan Police have assured beige members of parliament that they only bug the conversations of MPs who are either brown or 'brownish'.
Beige MPs from across the House of Commons expressed relief that it was only their deeply suspicious-looking brown colleagues who were having their privacy violated.
Denys Hatton, a Labour backbencher, said: "I know I speak for many of my beige colleagues when I say there is absolutely no need to bug me because I'm not up to anything."
A police spokesman stressed that suspect MPs were easy to spot as they fall within the 'danger zone' of the Home Office colour chart and often have foreign-sounding names.
"The rules are very clear: We're not bugging them because they're MPs, or because of who they talk to. It's because they're brown and have a 'q' in their name."
The spokesman said the force deployed a 'simple and effective' three-point strategy for dealing with people who are either brown or 'brownish':
A) Bug them; B) Mess up their house at two o'clock in the morning; or C) shoot them in the face on their way to work.
He added: "The last thing we want to do is listen to ordinary, beige MPs asking their relatives if the money has arrived, or making appointments with male prostitutes named 'Fernando'."