Guest Blog: Jeremy Kyle

MY new prime-time show, Jeremy Kyle Tells You To Shut It, airs tonight, and the first episode is an absolute corker. A woman who'd lost her entire family in a multiple car wreck was sitting in the chair, moaning and groaning about her lot in life, which I know was pissing the audience off no end. So I hit her over the head with my rolled-up script.

"Listen sweet tits, you're not the only one who's feeling pain, you're not the only one who's lost all 17 members of their family in a road traffic accident – well maybe you are, but you're a freak – I want you to buck your ideas up, go home, open a couple of bottles of Chardonnay and drink until you forget about this whole, sorry episode. Now Bugger off and take your snot-filled tissues with you." That seemed to do the trick.

I walked into my local Tesco Express in the hope that I could find some Alphabetti Spaghetti to go with the Findus Crispy Pancakes, the other day. Following a detailed yet fruitless search, I approached one of the checkout girls.  "I came in here to purchase a tin of spaghetti for my tea, and guess what? Nothing.  You've let me down, you've let all these people down – and more importantly – you've let yourself down. I think everyone in this lengthening queue will agree when I say that you're a total and utter disgrace. Okay, if you’re going to cry, then please do it in your own time, at the back of the shop." At that I walked out of there to the sound of cheering from the people queued up inside – it's hard being the people's champion, but somebody's go to do it.

I had to take my car into be serviced the other day, which is always a bit of a bugger because I have to use public transport which I find to be infested with various forms of pond life. There I was, on the top deck of the number 38 when I became aware of this couple arguing in front of me. I felt a responsibility to intervene.

"Excuse me, Jason and Denise, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. Now, because you both have a somewhat limited vocabulary, I didn't quite get the jist of everything you said, but I can, from the cheap jewellry, fake casual attire and the fact that you're both smoking in a prohibited area, summise that you are the worst kind of scum. However, I won't let that cloud my judgement of you both. Now to the matter in hand, so to speak – Jason, if you can do me a favour and go to the back of the bus and fill this up with a sample of your semen, we can do a DNA test to see if the baby is, in fact yours.

Protein shakes aren't as bad as they seem, and let's face it I needed to lose some weight! So people, there is an upside to almost everything in life – even having your jaw broken in twelve places.

As told to Matt Owen

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'What The F*ck Is Wrong With That Gerbil?' Ask Zoologists

A NEW species of mammal, described as a 'weird-looking gerbily thing with a massive conk', has been discovered in the mountains of Tanzania.

The team, from the Institute for Studies, photographed the shrew-like animal on the forested slopes of the Udzungwa Mountains, after getting lost on the way back to their hotel.

Team leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I had just dug myself a nice neat hole, I had my copy of What Car? and I was getting ready to deposit yesterday's goat-based concoction, when all of a sudden this long, freaky nose pokes out of the undergrowth.

"I got a hell of a fright and shouted to my mate Dave, I said 'Dave, get the tennis racket! There's a huge nose coming straight at me and I can't move 'cause I'm having a shit!'.

"Dave comes running with the tennis racket above his head, shouting 'geroutofityadirtybastard!' but then I see that it's actually pretty harmless and just has this enourmous fucking hooter."

Dr David Hobbs added: "It started to scamper away but I managed to jump on it and grab it by the nose. It squeeked for absolutely fucking ages."

The team's mammal specialist Dr Steven McKay, said: "For such a small thing, it's actually quite big. We called it an 'elephant shrew', mainly because of the stupid nose and the big fat stomach.

"Dave wanted to call it the 'Angela Shrew' after his fat, big-nosed wife."